Today I went to see a doctor who visited me every day during my stay in LTAC and PT. Walking the hall to his office made me slightly uneasy. The last time I was here was in June. I hadn't been home long and I was still in a wheelchair. I remember the joy I felt when he said to finish out my antibiotics and he wouldn't need to see me again unless there were signs of reoccurrence.
I'm here because of a nagging sore throat and swollen glands. Really nothing to be alarmed about. My primary dr was away and I needed to know it wasn't strep throat. After ruling strep out, he thought I should get some blood work just to cover our bases. He asks me a few questions about my recovery and then he reminds me to get a flu shot. "Not to beat a dead a horse" was the phrase he hesitantly followed up with and smiled.
Yes, the horse is dead. At least to me it is. So if you see me please don't ask me if I got a flu shot.
I am acutely aware that it is the start of flu season. With this I am tempted to take on some heavy self shame for not getting vaccinated last fall. I am swatting away the "should've could've would've" thoughts that swarm my head. I feel regret and even a little embarrassed for not getting a flu shot. That would sound a little absurd coming from anyone who hasn't obtained irreversible damage from the flu. For a minute there I was obsessing over this and it was really bringing me down. How could I not be responsible enough to get a simple shot? My mom is an RN, I know plenty about hand washing and covering your cough and get plenty of rest and fluids. I'm definitely not one to shun good health care. I didn't get a shot last year because it was not convenient for me (nothing is convenient when you are sleep deprived) and because I did not know how serious the flu can be. I obviously didn't think there would be severe complications if I did happen to get the flu. My mom said it like this "you don't know what else your body is fighting and the flu can just be the thing that tips it over." Granted, my case was extremely rare. There are lots of people who get the flu whether or not they were vaccinated and don't wind up in the hospital for 3 months. But do me a favor, just get a shot. Just to be safe. If you're reading this, I love you and I promise it'll just be a quick pinch and then it's over.
Having said that, I don't want to be the poster child for flu vaccines. My afflictions aren't me. That can be said for any health condition that effects our human shell. With illness it's not black and white. There are flukes and so much left unexplained. It seems like there should be some formula to follow that would allow healthy people to stay healthy. And to some extent there is a formula. We are beyond fortunate to have the healthcare resources that we have available to us. For one brief moment in the hospital I "met" the doctor who initiated the procedure that saved my life during a bedside conference about my care. I have zero idea what the discussion was about but I succinctly remember the shame burning in my cheeks when he said how easy this would've been to prevent. A simple vaccine he said...
But how simple is it? Don't healthy people get still get sick ? I mean healthy habits don't make you immortal. And don't unhealthy people buck the system and despite their habits live well past what anyone thought they could? Sure there are guidelines to follow to increase our chances of staying healthy but when it comes right down to it there are things that are just out of our control. Any other way of looking at it just feels untrue. Then again maybe I'm trying to justify the idea that I skimped out on a vaccine last year that potentially could've prevented or at least lessened the damage this illness has wreaked on my body. Maybe it's of no use trying to figure it out because what's done..is done.
Anyways, the point I hope to end up at is that I need to allow space for humanity. Forgiveness for ourselves when we have regret. Forgiveness when we feel there's no one or nothing to cast blame on but ourselves. No, no, some might say (and they might be partially right) there are some misfortunes that fall on the unsuspecting, there's no controlling it. That is the unavoidable risk of living in this wild, untamed world. Some might find this an opportune time to cast the blame on God but thankfully I learned awhile back that laying blame really doesn't help solve anything. It just gives us an outlet, a direction to yell in. And while that might give us release for a minute it doesn't solve much long term. I suppose blaming ourselves is much the same: Pointless. Forgiveness offers freedom. What other regrets can we let forgiveness wash away ? What else can we let fall into the ever widening abyss of grace?
I'm sure someday this topic won't be so tender, won't cause me to pause and pray for wholeness. I can't live in regret and I can't live in fear of becoming sick again. Which, btw, I have been told it is an extremely small chance for reoccurrence. I will wash hands and take good care of my body but I'm not going to live in a sterilized paralysis. I have been through too much and have such a renewed appreciation for life to ruin it by living under a fear cloud. I want to step into the sun and thank God for each ray warming my skin. I want to shield my eyes because the peace that is enveloping me is too bright to behold. And I want to remember with every single step, whether I'm walking in or out of the doctors office, that He is with me.
He is with me in my "what ifs" and my "why's" and in all the finite merry go round reasoning. He can handle my grief and even shares it. He welcomes my humanity and shields it in His grace. But ultimately he is teaching me to move onward and forward.
Image credit :: Andrea Howey
Instagram :: andrearhowey
I heard this verse mentioned on the latest God Centered Mom podcast as the guest (who beautifully penned these words) described her painful season of life. She said there was a time a to grieve but that we weren't meant to live with our grief forever. We can lament as long as we need but that at some point it would be ok to pick up and move on. I have been so focused on leaning into the pain and trying to listen to whatever lesson it was offering that I needed to hear this. It's ok to not be consumed by what happened and I'll keep throwing off temptations to do otherwise. When I drive by the signs shouting out that it's flu season. When I'm restricted from doing something because of my hands or my breathing. When I'm wondering and questioning ... Onward and forward.
Thanks for being here today,
Jenna
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