Home Again

I have to steal this moment before it steals away from me. I sit on the porch, swinging the baby to sleep. His droopy eyelids put me at ease.

Rain is falling, drizzling from the drain pipe filling the ground on this unusually warm weekend after Christmas. Half of the family has gone to church and after some clean up we just swing.

Theres something about this spot that fills the soul and allows contentment to just be. Theres nothing tugging or sneaking around the back of your mind saying "if only" or "but this." Just for a stand still moment everything is fine and right in this tiny corner of the world.

I talked about writing with mom this morning as we sipped coffee probably not as long as we would like. 

I told her how my best friend discovered an old journal from middle school and how it was so detailed it was painstaking to read. I told her how the itch to write is always there, how I miss it. How the vulnerability of it is both difficult and rewarding. Then as I swing I have to scratch these words down, hoping they find their way to a screen.

After Christmas as a child, I always remember feeling full. Like all my wishes had been granted. But sometime within a few weeks that feeling would weaken and things would go back to normal. Wanting more, needing to be filled up and looking in all the wrong places.

As I swing my baby and look out over the soggy yard where I used to play years ago I am full and it has nothing to do with the gifts that were under the tree. I look to where the sycamore tree used to be and I remember that place of solitude and peace. Its not there anymore, it was cut down and I'm sad to say I don't know why or when. But that feeling is still here. Its a feeling I try to return to in my prayers when the world feels a little too big. And here on the porch, with the rain coming down around me I find it. So I pause as long as I possibly can (which isn't long, I hear my middle at the screen door now).

So after a season that leaves us feeling stuffed and overfed and maybe even a little guilty I am focusing on a different type of fullness. This is one that has nothing to do with the time of year or how life is going at any given moment.  It comes from source I cant see and can't tap into with my own power. Sometimes it catches me off guard on a day like today. I have to remain open to it even tho I never know when and where it might turn up. This unpredictable timing tells me that its always there, waiting to sneak up on me and make me smile and appreciate life that much more. 

This secure feeling comes from knowing a good, good Father. Knowing his peace and grace and provision. But yet, it is just a feeling and we all know how fickle those things are. I suppose that is where faith comes in and we lean in despite how we feel or how our circumstances appear. We count all the goodness of his gifts and look for them even when we have to squint. And then somewhere along the way we find we are content with what we have, right where we're at; no more, no less. True, we may forget from time to time and start making lists of things we need or want only to come full circle and realize the reasons behind those things and that we can have fullness without them. 

I hope your Christmas was merry and bright and full of the fuzzy feelings we love.  As those feelings fade into the New Year and our consumerism rolls into resolutions, I hope we all had a moment or two of true fullness and that we learn the balance that allows us to always come back to it. 

From Ours to Yours, 

Happy Holidays 

Ps - Love this over at Lazy Genius:

Put down that list of resolutions and read this first 

(scroll down a bit to find the post)

http://www.thelazygeniuscollective.com/blog/

What I Remember on the Bad Days

There was one miraculous morning that I woke up before the kids. I wasn't feeling quite well enough to settle back in after the baby's early morning feeding so I stumbled down the stairs for some tea and tylenol. I had every intention in going back to bed, After rummaging through our lacking medicine inventory and discovering there was only caffeinated tea I reluctantly decided to just stay awake. I think about the computer sitting there silently inviting me to type, knowing full well it takes several of these mornings to actually put together a blog post.

You see, I've never been a morning person. I have always wanted to be one, make plans to be one, used to feel guilty because I just wasn't one. Living in a sleep deprived state does not help matters much. Just because I am awake doesn't mean I am "awake" a.k.a. "productive". As long as I'm in my pjs, I am probably just doing the bare necessities of flitting around the kitchen to fetch assorted breakfast items and trying to get the littlest boy down for a morning nap a.k.a the 20-40 minutes I could spend putting myself together but probably wont on most days)

There's a timeline for not getting dressed and it looks something like this:

8 am

Me: I am all comfy and warm, plenty of people do breakfast in pjs, Ill just ease into the day...

Kids: I'm hungry!/thirsty!/lonely/tired/bored/need you to listen to my dream I had last night about flying over the edge of the water slide at Kings Island

The baby is crying!! Mom, I think he is hungry tired wet dirty gassy and wants to be carried everywhere while you do things with one hand *maybe* he will take a nap

Will you make pancakes!?

9 am

Me: I could get dressed now but wait there's no clean clothes or towels or time to shower or pick out a top AND a bottom. I should really start some laundry...

MOM!!!!! Come fix the tv/find my toy/watch me go to the bathroom/help me reach this or that
The bathroom floor is wet!
I cant find my toothbrush'
Watch this!!!! Mom watch! Mom watch!
Can I have cookies for breakfast?
The baby's crying! see above for analysis

10 am: ughhh nothing I have fits. I can't nurse/bend over/ sit comfortably/clean the toilet/ be 31 and wear this... maybe I should just wear sweatpants/yoga pants/tights with a long tshirt/flannel/sweatshirt. Why am I changing again? That's essentially what I'm already wearing

"Mom, can you help me with pre-algebra?"
"Joel's crying!!"
"Jayda / Jaren hurt me/said something mean/made a face/breathed in my general direction!!!"
"I spilled something!!!!!!!!!"
"I need _____" fill in the blank with any possible word that may or may not make sense within the context

11 am: Am I going to leave the house today? Have I been puked on, peed on, or was this shirt used as a napkin yet? If so, how many times? Just once or twice? under five times? Maybe its not that bad...

I'm hungry! Lets make pancakes!!
"I need _______."
"Can we go to the library/museum/store/park/cousins house/anywhere but here???"
"Joels crying!"
"When will dad be home?"
"Why are you so stressed??"
"Can I listen to Itunes?"
"I dont feel good Mommy"
"Can I be a shark for Halloween?"
"Can I be a shark now? Lets just make a shark costume NOW!!"

Noon:
Ok its lunch time if I change now the aforementioned will probably just happen, I may as well just wait. and I can  probably wait until tonight to run whatever errand I am attempting to do with kids because I can't even get dressed so why venture out in public? I'll just put on sweatpants/yoga pants/tights with a long tshirt/flannel/sweatshirt. Oh shoot, forgot to start laundry... start back at 9 am

You get the point.

Hopefully those of you at home all day experience the same. ((Please say you do!))

Now the fact that we are at junction in seasons it becomes even more complicated. I was pregnant last fall and didn't buy any new non maternity clothes, the clothes from the winter season prior to that still. don't. quite. fit. *deep breath*  and they may not ever fit again.

That's ok, its worth it. It's all worth it, That's what we moms say when we feel a little guilty for complaining or even just being real. But it's true, its true, its true. We may even say that to remind ourselves.

The long days where we don't/can't get dressed.

The long nights of interrupted sleep that end in early mornings.

The conversations in the grocery store parking lot that seem like merry go rounds as we try to understand each other.

The 11 hour waits in the emergency room.

The rounds of stomach bugs and loads of laundry that go along with it.

The delayed blog posts or meals or conversations or dreams.

I tend to forget our family is our training ground for out there. Inside our walls is a place where it is safe to be yourself, to explore new ideas, to fail, to fight, to be passionate, to be at rest.  I forget that I am creating this safe haven every time I go through the motions of another day. I forget I am planting seeds that will sprout into character and laying the foundations that will hold their values in place long after they move out. I forget that I am creating a space and a refuge that they will always come back to.

Then there are good days, Days where we laugh and play and hike in the woods. Days where we are all healthy and rested and getting along and living out what we know to be important. There are days when it just works, I haven't yet figured out a formula to make one of these days happen yet. They seem to come right when we need them, right when we are on the brink of giving up. These are the days that make us say "it's all worth it."

Happy Anniversary to Us

It’s been pretty quiet around here lately (by here I mean my blog and definitely not my house). I miss writing and free time of any sort and sleeping. Oh how I miss sleeping.

With no sleep comes that foggy mind that makes you drive off without unloading all the groceries out of your cart and swear you slipped your credit card into your bag but it actually went on the sidewalk (truth be told I never found it). It makes you schedule doctor appointments on birthdays because you have no idea what today even is. It makes you burn dinner and wash library books in the washer. I swear, all my domestic skills have vanished.

No sleep also makes blogging near impossible. Besides the fact that I have no time, I keep losing my train of thought. Before you suggest a pick me up, caffeine makes my little bundle cranky. In fact this post has been pieced together from different entries on my phones notepad that I jot in while Joel nurses. Because that’s about all that gets done around here. Baby growing business is no joke. And apparently if I do find a rare moment to sit down and type it seems I have forgotten how because I keep deleting whole paragraphs on accident by highlighting them with the touchpad mouse. Thank God for the undo button. Where was I going with that?… oh yeah, sleep. I need some.

I did manage to eek out some prose for my home made anniversary card but never actually penned it, so I’m posting it here because I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE. Not to mention, we have been married for 9 years and this last year felt so good to get through together. Also, 9 is almost 10 and that feels special. Now that you have all that lovely background, here it goes:

Time is flying, each year goes by quicker than the last. With each season we pass through our relationship changes shape. Just like our kids, it neither looks like just you or just me but is a beautiful mix of each one of us. I tried to backtrack through our time together and remember some significant event for each year but it all just ended up in one big jumbly blur that was in no particular order. So here’s a few highlights from our 9 years together:

We purchased a house and a car and a tiny dog too quickly. We probably got married too quickly too, but apparently that’s how we do things.

We moved to a different state. We got degrees and more degrees. We worked jobs we loved and some we didn’t.

We took vacations to the mountains and to the beach and to big cities and little ones. We’ve done amusement parks and hikes and boats and camping.

We discussed theology and doctrine and sermons and books. We led youth groups and community groups together. We have worshipped together. We have encouraged each other in our passions, in our art or cooking or writing or constructive arguing.

We have shared dreams of writing a book, planting a church, starting a non profit, opening a restaurant/coffee shop/fire brick oven pizza joint.

We came to love each other’s families and made friends with each other’s friends.

We more than halfway raised a tiny woman, who is just. like. me. (sorry you have put up with me double-time) and are working on two tiny men who I’ll be proud if they turn out just like you.

We moved back home.

We moved to a different state. And one more time, we moved.

We survived a difficult pregnancy, which included losing a job and bedrest and a hospital stay.

But all of these things, jobs, babies, moving, travels, school, church, dreams, these aren’t us.

When you pare all of that down, we are just two kids.

Two kids who had many a late night conversation and felt a common bond.

Two kids who made a leap of faith and a vow of commitment that they knew they wouldn’t be able to keep in their own strength.

Two kids who were a little unsure of themselves but believed in a Love bigger than that.

That Love is what makes us “us.” To find this in our lifetime makes us lucky, blessed, maybe even a little crazy. But that’s ok, that’s who we are and I love it all. No matter what our life looks like on the outside that will never change.

Here’s to year 9, onward to 10 and many, many more.

I wasn't going to post this. ( I say that about every other post!) A bit too personal maybe. However, writing this brought such a sense of gratitude for my marriage. Reminiscing can do that. Give it a try. It doesn't have to be poetic, just your story. It's ok if it's not your anniversary or you haven't had any sleep.  Let your partner know how much it means to experience life with them and maybe they will take over for a couple hours so you can nap. (thanks sweetie;)

Happy Sunday,

Jenna

Some Thoughts on Positive Parenting

I have always considered myself a relatively well-researched parent. I’ve read books across the spectrum here and there and follow blogs that seem to dispense some sound advice. I put things I learn into practice when they seem logical and applicable. I’m not perfect and I always (mostly) try to offer my kids the same grace I offer myself when I mess up. I am probably the more lenient parent in our household which for some reason I always hate admitting out loud.

Do people typically associate lenient parents with spoiled kids? I think I might and that’s why I don’t like admitting to being that way. But really what is leniency? Google defines it as “the fact or quality of being more merciful or tolerant than expected” How does that definition settle with you when applied to parenting or discipline?

I’ve recently stumbled on book after book about parenting that is not so condemning of leniency. This is something that has fascinated me so much lately that I have read every book about it I can get my hands on. (Maybe its the thought of going through toddler hood for a third time?) The message in these pages reasonated deep with me and confirmed that my "leniency" in parenting would not produce spoiled kids. (which really I'm learning is more accurately described as understanding and empathetic, on a good day :). It is something I’ve always been desperate to put into practice as long as I can remember but couldn’t depart from the mainstream ideas long enough to try consistently. 

My oldest baby on her new ride

The Newbies Guide to Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes explains the concept of what I've been learning like this:

[It] isn’t a method, a set of rules, or a style. Positive parenting is a philosophy, a way of relating to children and to ourselves.  Positive parenting – sometimes referred to as positive discipline, gentle guidance, or love based parenting - is guidance offered in a positive way, keeping in mind the dignity of the parent and child and preserving the parent child relationship.”

She goes on to say that positive parenting is about believing in our children’s innocence, and that their behavior (especially negative behavior) is actually a complex code for what they wished they could communicate to you the adult. It is about being “firm and kind, consistent and empathetic, and viewing disagreements between parents and children as opportunities to develop problem-solving skills and learn how to navigate relationships.”

I don’t know any parent that would shun more positivity in their home. When I read this description I think of how I have always tried to be this way while but still holding on to “winning” the battle, engaging in power struggles or punitive treatment.  In other words, I didn’t really know how to achieve this parental philosophy with the tools I had thus far placed in my parenting arsenal. Most of the time I would feel the culture’s whispering in my ear that I was a push over. So I would throw in some time outs and lectures and take things away and escalate the punishment to no avail. Most of the time this would leave me feeling disconnected from my child even if I did eventually gain their cooperation. I often wondered whether there was a better way or did raising kids just have to feel so intense and distressing on a daily basis?

Very simply, Eanes says that the two most valuable tools a parent can have are:

1) The example we set

2 ) The connection we have with our children

Well yeah.

This seems like total common sense but we’ve been conditioned to use methods that are more control based only to be surprised that there is no genuine or lasting change in the child’s behavior or thinking.  Sure they may learn to avoid punishment or confrontation by trying to please you and your requests but they learn quickly that if they nod along and feign just enough respect, “yes, mom” “yes, dad,” soon they can be on their way. This produces a child that is good at acting good but lacking in character (you know that thing that guides you when no one is watching?) Everyone wants their child to have character, sure, but how do produce that from the ground up? Is it something that can be forced or manipulated into being?

Character is made up of daily choices that a child learns to make by watching those around them and by feeling safe enough to mess up and connected enough to learn from their mistakes. We know the word discipline means to teach but yet our discipline is often no questions asked, my way or the highway that doesn’t offer any opportunities to learn. It may teach them to conform at best, a respect originating in fear instead of love. We want to control our child, often forgetting that they are their own separate person with a different personality and priorities. In my own parenting journey, I usually reach for these controlling tactics because of desperation. What I really want is peace. A peaceful home that exudes the grace and love of God. I want kids that can go out into the world and know how to give that love because it was the norm at home.  

It is way too easy to associate how well a child can listen and obey to how effective our parenting is. Especially in public, or among friends, or online; sometimes the temptation to compare is just too enticing. Through a lot of reading and praying and contemplating my own parenting style I have concluded that instant obedience is not always the best measuring stick for our effectiveness as parents. There’s something I want more than obedient little robots that ask “how high?” when I say “jump.” Something I want more than for them to understand that I am the boss and they are not.

I want their heart.

I want them to want to obey.

I want it to be their choice.

If you are a parent reading this thinking this sounds like a fantasy world, I understand where you are coming from. I was skeptical at first myself. It has taken me a lot of reading and processing and long days with my children to make the shift. Being this type of parent does not guarantee easy child rearing (it often takes more effort, self control and patience). Being this type of parent really doesn't even guarantee "good" children. But what it does produce is a healthier parent child relationship and from that we have foundation of trust and security that our discipline is built on. It is connection first then correction. It would take more than one post to explain it the way I'd like so I've opted to point to some experts (see the bottom of the page) for any one that is interested in learning more about how to actually apply this type of parenting in day to day life.

I will say this journey started for me a few years ago and really it had nothing to do with parenting (or so I thought) at the time. I was discovering how to pay attention to my own needs and how that affected my interaction with my kids. I was learning to listen and be gentle with myself and therefore allowing more mindfulness and gratitude throughout my day. I was learning the practice of rest and redefining productivity. Then I gradually realized that my children already lived this way and I could learn a lot from slowing down and listening to them. I could prevent so many problems by just being present with them instead of rushing them along through life. Rushing them to grow up, expecting them to know how to do things that many adults haven't even mastered (patience, self control, communication, independence, on and on I could go).

Dr. Gordon Nuefeld author of ‘Hold on to Your Kids’ says: “Children must never work for our love; they must rest in it. We have gone to a practice of parenting and teaching that makes them work for the contact and closeness – that puts them in charge of the relationship. We make them work at keeping us close. We might get compliance, but we get a deeply restless child, and we are giving rise to a whole generation of children who are restless to the core. Our yearning as parents should be to give them rest.”

Sound familiar?

I love this by Sarah Bessey, found in her memoir on motherhood:

“I characterize [parenting] the same way I characterize the Christ centered life: it’s a life that you relax into this – this mothering, this following of Jesus – is a relationship that we relax into. We cease the striving. We stop the trying. We stop the trying to better, smarter, nicer, more holy and more loving. Instead when we surrender, we relax into the arms of Jesus, we find that freedom, of living lightly. In our weakness he is able to become stronger and lead.”  

To me this sums up a lot about my life right now, as a parent, as a follower of Jesus and as a human who just wants a peaceful life in connection with those around her.

Some great books on parenting:

The Gentle Parent: Positive Practical Effective Discipline
Whispers Through Time
Two Thousand Kisses a Day 
all written by L.R. Knost
(these have workbooks that go along with them for cheap on amazon kindle)

Spirit Led Parenting: from fear to freedom in baby's first year  
Megan Tietz & Laura Oyer

Positive Parenting in Action
Laura Ling & Rebecca Eanes

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
Dr. Laura Markham

Some favorite websites:

ahaparenting.com

lemonlimeadventures.com

teach-through-love.com

Bethebestparentyoucanbe.com is hosting an online event with endless resources from parenting experts and educators; highly recommended!

Resources mentioned in this post:

The Newbies Guide to Positive Parenting 
Rebecca Eanes

My Practices of Mothering
Sarah Bessey
 

The Fourth Trimester

I had so many words. So many things to say. I've been storing them all up in my foggy new baby brain. Naturally now that it's time to put them down, I can only remember a few. I suppose that's the way it is with precious times and sweet memories and even our fears and things we dread. Soon they are over and time moves slow and fast at once, breaking us and building us.


I just keep thinking about the baby heart monitor strapped to my belly in the hospital. I was only wearing one for a short time this visit,  but weeks ago I stayed three days listening to the constant sound of Joel's heart. This time if I listened closely I could hear the monitor in the patients room next to mine. Tiny thumps repeating through the wall. It made me smile, made me feel so overly joyous.

He's here now. Now I can feel that heart outside my body, as he sleeps on my own chest. I count the beats. Steady. Determined. They match my own.
I imagined the mother next door, the new life waiting to reveal itself. And I am still awestruck by birth and creation and that we play a part. It all stands for something so much bigger than us, deeper than I can put into words.

 
Maybe I shouldn't write during the postpartum period. Maybe emotions will cloud my view. Despite the emotional roller coaster I had to ride to get here, this has been my easiest labor and birth. Even with all the fear pressing in, that he could have complications, he might need to stay in NICU and we would have to leave him. I just hoped so much and all the prayers from those around us carried me. And now he is here and he is ok. I feel like I cheated the system, like it's too good to be true. Life can be surprising like that and all my questions, all the "why's" and wondering to God in my quietest prayers still linger. Yet somehow I sense His fingerprints, His shadow,  are all over this.

 
My neck hurts from looking down at him while he eats. This is all the past weeks have been. Eating, sleeping, resting, nursing our bodies and just looking at each other. It feels like reacquainting yourself with an old friend that you knew inside and out.


The brevity and frailness of it all is so much more palpable this time around. I know I will only have him a short time. This baby business flies by fast as does childhood with equal speed. Soon he will be off to school, off to play his favorite sport, off to prom and college. He will face adversity, taste success and defeat and discover himself more than once. He will face sickness and sadness.  And I will be crushed that I don't have any control over the things life brings him but only remember holding his tiny fragile body, and the way he smelled, and how his fingers wrapped around mine and held tight.

I can hear cars driving by and people talking on the street as I sit and hold Joel on my bed. For them this is just another day, nothing special or out of the norm. For me I'm wondering how things will ever be normal again. But they will. I'm sure of it. I've been in the baby bubble before. The brief period for a mother where the world stops and it's only about this little life. Some call it the 4th trimester, but I'm wondering how long it really lasts. Maybe it's indefinite.

Part of me wants desperately to snap my fingers and jump right back into gear. Getting things done around the house, wearing actual clothes, handling spats between the kids, and cooking a meal or two. But I'm not quite ready, my energy is not quite there. So I'll call a friend or grandparent to entertain the rest of my babies and I'll lay down on the couch in the middle of my mess, holding Joel and we will just rest and wait. Wait until we catch up to the world. I'm in no hurry.
 

Thanks to any one reading this, for love and support, for prayers and encouragement.
With Love,
Jenna

Escaping Survival Mode

Last week was week 32! I was so uncertain in the beginning but the last six weeks have passed (slowly) I am growing more and more confident we will have a full term baby. Life is full of surprises, I am ready for whatever, with my hospital bag packed and a few necessities checked off that pesky list. If Joel comes now, the chances of complications are much, much lower than they were six weeks ago. I still want to make it full term so I will still take it easy but just being this much closer makes my heart happy.            

Having said that, the week before last was by far the hardest week of the whole bed rest experience. So much to the point that I didn't even realize I was almost in the clear. Any parent with young ones can testify to the havoc an entire week of snow days and going absolutely nowhere can wreak on your mental health. I saw many a desperate cry on my facebook feed.  In the beginning of the week I was honestly thinking I would enjoy the company. And I did. At first. I even thought I would be writing a post on togetherness and family and the joys of being forced to live in such close proximity for a week. By the end of the week, those thoughts had all but vanished. It was not pretty.  Suffice it to say, that everyone lived and we all just needed a break from each other and some time out of the house. 

Reflecting on that week reminded me of when I first moved here and was feeling isolated and down, stuck in the house not having many friends in a new place. That was only 2 short years ago. Only this time, I was so glad that I have a friend that I can call when I'm desperate. One who comes over and just talks for an hour when I'm on the verge of cracking. Thankfully by the weekend the weather permitted us to go to church and then to the indoor flea market and craft store. This little outing was such necessary medicine. It didn't matter what the sermon was about or that it was still only about 10 degrees outside. The simple act of connecting with other people and investing a few hours in myself saved my sanity.  I think of all the trouble I could have saved myself if I would have called her sooner than later, after I had reached my limit. I have a bad habit of letting seclusion sneak upon me.

It's sort of ironic that I've spent my evenings contemplating this new book The Fringe Hours by Jessica N. Turner. It is packed with practical wisdom and great reminders for anyone in a busy season of life.  It is about making room in your day to day life for doing things that make you feel whole and set your priorities in a way that you can ultimately be a more fulfilled as a person.  (I have to admit I feel a little lazy as the author says she gets up at 5 am to make time for herself, reading, praying, exercising and what not. I am just not a crack of dawn person and I'm o.k. with that.) The idea behind the book is finding what she calls "fringe hours" that work for your own lifestyle so that you can fit in the things that bring you joy whether it be a hobby or some other thing that fills your soul. Her premises is that if you want to do something bad enough you will make time for it.  You will find creative solutions, you will overcome any obstacles in your path and banish the excuses. You will just do it. 

Moral of the story: even a week of snow days is not a good excuse to slip on self care, even though you can't leave and everyone else you are stuck with wants your attention because they are dying of boredom and hunger and boredom.

As much as I want to believe no excuse is good enough, I have not found this to be easy in my own life as a young mom where some days it's a struggle to simply take a shower or sit down through an entire meal. I mean if I can barely meet the minimum requirements of sleeping, eating and bathing how can I have time to add any thing else? During these seasons of life you just sort of adapt and step into survival mode and may not really notice that you are missing out on much until it catches up to you. Depending on how good you can cope or your expectations of life, this can take days, months or even years. Overlooking yourself can continue past the busy season and creating extra things for yourself to be busied by becomes habit. By that time, backtracking can be pretty difficult. We don't know what the best version of ourselves looks like anymore. We're o.k. with how things are even if things aren't great, even if we never have time to breathe.  We wouldn't know how to enjoy ourselves and have no idea what our passions might be if we were given a chance to practice them.  

Probably, the biggest take away from this book was that I am the only one who can make time for myself, no one else is going to do it for me. There are some women I know who actually schedule things. I am more spontaneous and that doesn't always mesh well with caring for myself.  I think, "I will do this thing if I get around to it." More often than not, I don't get around to it. So if that thing is something that I need, like a chat with a friend or fulfilling the desire to create, or to read a book or be passionate about something, I find myself moping through a life that is all work and no play. Those things are the easiest to push out of our schedules but doing so is not free of consequence like we often think. 

If you are a skeptic and thinking, "well, that sounds wonderful but not realistic especially at this time in my life" or "I can get by without self care" trust me, I understand and have thought the same. Here's the thing, we will always have problems and face tension in life no matter how self disciplined we are with our time and making sure we allot enough of it for own our well being. This thing can become an unrealistic goal for sure if we let it. Some seasons of life are busier or more difficult than others. However, does that mean we should settle for survival mode and culture's idea of glorified busyness? And if that wasn't enough, those of us in the church culture are constantly being called upon to serve and sacrifice and lay down our life. Realizing that we will have nothing to give without making a few a deposits in the bank helps balance that calling out. Think about Jesus sneaking away from the crowds to pray or the times he spent eating and talking with just His close friends. He practiced good boundaries for sure. I am certainly no expert on the subject, just an honest person who was forced to stop in the throes of her own busyness and wondering how to achieve this balance when life picks back up.

Some one please remind me of this in about 2 or 3 months when I am holding a new born who consumes every last minute of my day. Btw I used to LOVE that my kids consume all my time (in case this is starting to sound at all selfish) but yet that's kind of how I always ended up in survival mode in the first place.  It's just not healthy. I can say that guilt free at this point in my journey but can easily remember a time when I couldn't. You're still a servant, a good mom/dad/employee/whatever if you're entire being does not revolve around this one role in life leaving you to eek by. I promise. In fact, you are probably better off for it and are more effective at whatever role you're trying to fulfill. And you will be heck of a lot happier too :) 

If you are interested in reading more about the Fringe Hours make sure you visit fringehours.com for great resources and here is a short interview with the author 

I had to include this applicable post on Hands Free Mama about mothering yourself  The Kind of Mothering We All Need  (side note: if the title didn't give it away, this is not just for moms)

I also want you to know that I am sitting on the couch with a movie on at 8 a.m., the dawn of yet another snow day. So, don't worry, I'll have plenty of time to practice what I preach.

Do something you love today so you can be present with the people you love. Find some time for prayer or mediation, savor a cup of coffee or a meal or a conversation, paint a picture, read a book, go for a walk, whatever it might be: find your fringe.

Thanks for being here today,

Jenna

One Day at a Time

The last couple weeks have been as busy as they can be when one is recumbent to her couch. My baby shower was last weekend so I permitted myself a short outing and it was just lovely with family and a few close friends.  Utmost thanks to my sis in law and her husband for opening up their home and knowing how to be gracious and prepared hosts. My best friend came and stayed a few days, a brave soul to enter our chaotic world right now. We watched a million movies and talked and talked and allowed ourselves to be the laziest we have ever been since high school. I was beyond thrilled that it worked out for her to come to the shower and needless to say I was sad to see her go. 

I am 30 weeks along now and couldn't be happier that we are closer and closer to full term. I am more optimistic about making it all the way at this point.  One of my doctors even said that she would take me off bed rest now with the agreement to take it easy. (She followed these instructions up with the fact that she does not even believe in bed rest and was basically saying the opposite of what the previous doctors have said. Hmmm... well I was prematurely excited about her advice and while I would've liked to have heard it upon my hospital discharge, I'm kind of glad I didn't. So my happiness was fleeting as I considered that she was on vacation while I was being admitted for preterm labor and I am hesitant to put too much stock in what she says.) I am moving around a little more since that appointment, hopefully not too much. I still feel great, no contractions or pain other than the normal discomfort one faces when carrying around a cantaloupe sized human in their uterus. 

My biggest struggle right now is sleep. I'm getting to that uncomfortable bit at the end of pregnancy where you have two options for sleeping positions: 1) on your side with a pillow under your belly and between your knees (read: it feels like your stomach is ripping away from your body no matter how many pillows are involved) or 2) propped up on your back (read: pressure from the baby on my spine and other organs especially my bladder can only be tolerated for about 20 minutes). So between running to the bathroom and switching positions and the house coming alive at 6:30 a.m. I am pretty much an insomniac these days; sleeping only when the kids are at school and watching Gilmore Girls or reading into the wee hours of the morning. It's not that bad, I'm just whiney because its 9 am and I haven't really been to sleep yet. Maybe if I just keep this schedule Ill be more prepared for middle of the night feedings with Joel? Ha. Who am I kidding? No one and nothing can really prepare me for what lies ahead. Grace for the moment is my mantra. 

Although that is the other activity I'm engaged in while not sleeping. Planning. Lists. Dreaming. Trying my darndest to get my ducks in a row before the world gets flipped on its head. Again.  For a third time mom you would think I would be more confident. These little humans have stripped everything I think I know from me. As soon as I think I've got it down they are out of that phase and moved on to a new dilemma. Every season there is a new challenge. 

This newborn deal is no different. On one hand there is no amount of preparation that can really help us when we are in the trenches with a new baby. We might have to run to the store at 3 am and research different sleep training or attachment methods and call the doctor for no good reason because we are just desperate. On the other hand, we have to prepare what we can in a reasonable manner so that we are not completely caught off guard when there are no diapers or pacifiers or clean onsies and in that moment when there's a newborn screeching at you it just feels like it's the end of the world.

I've began to think about preparing so much without actually getting to do it that it makes me stop and wonder if over preparing can do more harm than good. I mean, is it realistic that we can have a plan A, B, and C for every possible scenario or upset? I have had more time to research my labor, delivery and postpartum experience than I ever have before. Last night I was getting ready to drift off to sleep when I started reading about natural child birth methods vs. all the different types of epidurals or pain meds; the if, when and how to safely use drugs to manage your pain during labor. (Yeah, didn't get much sleep after that.) I've read about banking cord blood and encapsulating my placenta and looked up too many recipes for lactation cookies and smoothies. I've studied breastfeeding positions and sleep methods and pinned a bazillion freezer meals. The phenomenon of a nesting mother can be quite useful or she can allow it to drive her to restless nights in which she goes over and over her list of things to do, decisions to make. 

One of the movies we watched in our binge last weekend was "I Don't Know How She Does It" with Sarah Jessica Parker. The movie follows a working mom's struggle to keep it all together and to keep a part of herself without fully abandoning her family or her marriage. At night she always lays in bed and makes out "the List" in her head if she hasn't first dropped over dead from exhaustion. In the end, after having to leave  her family Thanksgiving for a last minute business trip and missing the opportunity to make a snowman with her daughter, she makes a new list consisting of only two items: "Get my life together" and "Stop making lists."

In my opinion "the List" will always exist, and on some levels it needs to, but obsessing about it is a form of worry that robs of us of a greater focus. I don't want to be so focused on checking things off that I miss the point. Yet I constantly find myself doing it. Maybe that is why these words have resurfaced in my life over and over again: "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Or the short version: "Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Sometimes I plan to be smart and prepared. Other times I plan out of fear. Out of this anxious scramble for control and to self preserve. Sometimes the line between the two goes blurry. I often have to stop and examine my motives.  I also have to remind myself that I cannot avoid pain or strife in life altogether. It is just not possible, and if it were humanity would be completely boring and most likely never mature past newborn mentality.

This post by Sarah Bessey totally caught me off guard this week. She talks about "leaning into pain" and experiencing the lessons it has to offer us. The metaphor of giving birth is quite fitting as she explains the Fear Tension Pain Cycle; how when we feel pain and we tense up or enter into anxiety it then increases the pain and in turn increases our anxiety. So it becomes a cycle of pain and fear feeding off of each other, building and building, until it is towering over us and we feel we can't escape. But we also have the option changing our perspective of the pain and its purpose and letting it empower us, not control us. (It's a beautiful metaphor really, but I will most likely still want the drugs when it comes right down to it. Birth hurts regardless and should be worn as a badge of honor no matter how it went down, amen?)

This whole process of co-creating, pregnancy and birth and the ripping away from our old idea of family to make room for one more isn't supposed to be painless. It is uncomfortable, terrifying and at times excruciating. It will test your physical, emotional and spiritual limits and then have the audacity to ask for one more push, one more sleepless night, one more story, mommy, please. I love how blogger Lisa Jo Baker always says that "being a parent is a lot like breaking up with yourself." Funny because its true. 

I suppose its like this with all of life and love. There is always a risk involved, a good chance that we will experience pain or the rawness of sacrifice. And unless we open ourselves up to that we never get to fully experience all that we might learn or become. We can either hide from the pain with all our best laid plans or we can embrace it, knowing that it is well worth the outcome. I'm not advocating throwing all caution to the wind, but simply abandoning over guardedness for the sake of something breathtaking and real.  

Life in all its glory...
ugly and beautiful, 
joyous and painful, 
all in the same breath.

Maybe now I can get some sleep before the kids get home.


Thanks for listening today,

Jenna