Before you dub me a cynic, let me explain. I've alluded in my sparse blogging over the past year how Joel will just. not. sleep. I know, I know, babies aren't supposed to sleep and they have to learn and they will eventually and so on and so forth. All parents go through sleepless nights and weeks and *cringe* years. I get it. It's nothing unique or out of the ordinary. Most people look at me like I'm crazy when I say my baby won't sleep and maybe they are thinking "what did you expect exactly?"
Some perspective on what I mean when I would say "he won't sleep." He would go down in the evening at varied times and wake up every 2 hours on the dot. He would eat and usually go right back to sleep. (There was an occasional night/series of nights when he would wake around 4 am and think it was morning.) He would "sleep" for 10-11 hours before he was up for good. Now this is totally what you expect from a newborn. (At least my other two were like this and were for the most part good sleepers by the time they hit 6 months. Joel must have missed the memo on how we do things around here.)
Naps? 40 minutes tops. Sometimes 20. Other day time habits? Constant eating. Nursing every 2 hours, baby food 4 times a day after he turned 7-8 months. Before that it was more varied because he stopped having regular bowel movements when we initially tried cereal and purees at 6 months.
Initially this was really concerning because his doctor was starting to think something may be up. After one appointment around 6 months, he had a CDC done and it came back with a really low iron level and some other irregularities so our doctor directed us to the ER at Children's Hospital. We were there all night, waited 7 hours or so to get in. Once we were seen, they ran every test they could think of only to find nothing wrong and joined us in our confusion as to why we were there. We left with a prescription for a multivitamin iron supplement. Cherry flavored.
So with the health issues ruled out, I thought, "Am I doing something wrong?" That's when the search was on.
I pored over all the books, blogs, and articles about baby sleep. I tried to apply scientific reasoning as to why his sleep cycles weren't connecting. I tried all the methods I could think of: I co-slept, he slept across the room in a crib, and then I docked the crib to our bed with one side down. Before that I tried him in a swing, a mama roo, a rock and play, a pack and play, and even in a car seat for crying out loud (he was sick!). I swaddled, tried a sleep sack, footie pjs, just a onsie. I let him cry within reasonable time constraints,(maybe he will get tired and give up?) I picked him up at every little sound (maybe he is waking himself too much?) I've nursed, not nursed, nursed one side at time (foremilk, hind milk imbalance?), my husbands given him formula at night. I have tried cereal before bed. I have even tried to feed him baby food pouches in the middle of the night. White noise. Music. Pacifiers. Gas drops. Essential oils. Cool mist. Room darkening curtains. Baths. Massages. Night time rituals. Desperate. Completely desperate. That's the phrase you are looking for.
Putting this story out here is risky because I know how quickly unwarranted advice can come in from well meaning sources. I am guilty myself of offering up advice because something worked for my child. I feel accomplished and want to share that with you. But advice in this situation makes me feel like you just don't get it. I mean I have been in the newborn funk for almost an entire year now. Normally, I would love advice and trust me I have gotten plenty of it this last year. I am not just a prideful, do it my way kind of gal, At one point, I was asking advice of every mom I would encounter. "Oh you had a baby?? Did they sleep longer than 2 hours at a time? Were they nursed or bottle fed? Did you have a bedtime routine or follow baby's cues? When did you night wean? Did you try anything I haven't tried? Tell me your entire process of how you get your baby to SLEEP."
Nothing worked, nothing helped. I was so tired, I was irrational. I was consumed by not sleeping, it's all I could think about or talk about. I was obsessed, I was angry, I was weepy. My days were blurry and unfocused. I felt like I was stuck in a miserable cycle and like a victim to my life. I had zero energy to do the things that help me feel normal. Not a fun place to be. Sure there were plenty of those moments where I would let my mind rest on how grateful I am for my healthy baby (mostly when I was holding him through nap time because I just couldn't take the chance of him waking). There were plenty of smiles and giggles and celebrating new milestones. But for awhile, those were all experienced with the dark cloud of no sleep hanging over my head.
Now this probably sounds like a rant, a complaint letter of sorts. And in a way it is. Venting is part of the healing process, no? But it's more than that. Because you know what finally helped a little, tiny bit? Acceptance. To just throw in the towel on trying to control the situation and researching every last detail. To just say this is my life and this is how Joel is for the time being and I am done fighting. Writing this all down feels like a pledge to just be vulnerable to the unexpected. Really this applies to all things about our children we aren't madly in love with. To take whatever happens and just roll with it. Instead of dreading and fearing every cry, counting every missed hour of sleep I would just think "I can get through this moment. I will find a way to deal with whatever arises." And one little moment at a time, even though I was (am) still tired as ever I felt the fog get a little lighter.
Then around the beginning of this year Joel started to sleep 3 hour stretches at night consistently. Not a vast improvement I know but it had to count for something. The only thing I was doing differently was laying him in his crib every single time he fell sleep. Even if it was for only 20 minutes I thought, then that is 20 minutes I will use to do something for me. No cleaning or tending to other kids, just only taking care of whatever needs I had been putting off for myself so far that day. By the time he was 10 months, he was starting to take longer naps in his crib. He will usually sleep an hour or maybe a little more if he had a rough night .
And now at 11 months, he can sleep up to 5 hours at a time. He doesn't do this every night and still this is nothing to write home about but it tells me he is able. Hope is in sight as he gradually progresses to a full nights sleep. I usually still wake up every 3 hours and pray that I can go right back to sleep. Most of the time I can, but sometimes I just have to get up because I think my body is just conditioned to waking so often. So I will wake before the rest of the house and have tea and write and do things that help my soul to feel rested even if my body is not.
So I don't have a happy ending where I tell you things are back to normal and I conquered the no sleep drudgery. I have no awesome advice or moral of the story. I will say that I have never valued empathy more than I do right now. Empathy is the one response I have received that makes me feel like I just want to say "thank you, you get it". When someone says "oh man I have been there" they help validate that his not sleeping is not a result of my failure to do something but that sometimes babies and life just throws you a curve ball.
I remember sitting in the chair in my room nursing Joel not too long ago listening the this podcast where this mom describes her sleep struggles. And I just laughed... and then I cried.. and then I laughed and cried at the same time. It felt like a small victory to have that reaction as I listened to someone say "me too." This mom talks about how sometimes we measure our mothering by how well our children sleep, which sounds silly to say out loud! But unfortunately I think it's true and I could write a whole other post about why it is and other cultural norms that we unnecessarily frame our parenting by. Suffice it to say while her experience was not exactly the same as mine, hearing her voice it and some of the reasons behind it just lightened my load. Revealing our struggles is empowering both for us and our witnesses. It gives them permission to do the same. Empathy is a powerful practice.
This was all over Facebook some time ago but in case you missed it:
::Brene Brown on empathy::
Thanks so much for reading and for being empathetic listeners ;)
Jenna
PS...If any of this post sounds even a little familiar to the season you're in or have experienced.. run to this post over at Sarah Bessey's blog: The Nightwatch such a beautiful, real account of night parenting with purpose.
