The Art of Asking

Well it's week 28 for little Joel (almost 29!) and week 3 of bed rest for me. (Read why I'm on bed rest here) Everything has slowed way down. I'm so thankful that resting seems to be working its magic although it's becoming increasingly difficult to stay in a constant state of relaxation. (Who would've thought?!) My doctor's visits so far have been nothing but positive and that helps me keep sane.

I've had some rough moments, like a few days ago when the wires got crossed on who was picking the kids up from school. Turns out no one. After my daughter calls innocently asking who is bringing them home, I hung up and just started getting ready to go get them myself.  Even though my mind is telling me to call someone, my strangled independence is looking for the car keys. Luckily, I couldn't find them. So I called John at work and thanks to his sister  the problem was solved with relative ease. But for some reason that just really got to me. Maybe it's hormones, maybe its just feeling out the frustrations of not being able to do much. I finally convinced myself it wasn't a big deal and that my helplessness is only temporary. Soon a new baby will come and I'll have plenty to do and I'll be longing for the rest I am getting now. For the time being, I have this little reminder of why I have to keep still.

My daughter picked this out as a Christmas gift, how sweet is that?

It's such a weird feeling that I can go back to sleep after the kids leave for school if I want to. It's a little hard to walk away from a pile of dishes or toys or clothes that I'm used to putting away. It feels against my nature to let the kids watch hours of tv after school or not really have a plan for the week. Not to mention, having to re-prioritize my pre-baby to do list. "Re-prioritize" meaning these things are probably not going to happen before he comes.

So I just keep looking at this little figurine on my mantle and telling myself: "I'm doing what I need to be doing right now." Not only for me, but for the little boy depending on me to take care of myself. Bed rest or not, people prosper when we take care of our needs.

I think as mothers (or any type of role where we are primarily serving others in a high capacity) certain personalities take a backseat and tend to forget about self care. It's not intentional, it just kind of happens. We just keep pushing and somewhere we cross a line and if we do it for long enough it can be somewhat destructive or at best unhealthy. Being a young mom, I've experienced the downside of not taking proper care of myself more often than not.

For the better part of my 20's I was so thirsty. Literally. I would just forget to drink water or anything really. This sounds insane but it's true. I would experience fatigue and not understand why I was so tired until John started asking, "What have you had to drink today Jenn?" I would think about it and I couldn't remember anything. Now chances are I was not so busy that I didn't have time to grab a bottle of water, its just that it became a bad habit. I just got used to depriving myself of it. As I matured and became more in tune with my needs, I realized what should have been obvious and the huge difference staying hydrated makes in how you feel and your energy levels. As you can imagine this made me a much more pleasant person to be around and a better mom to my kids.

That started opening me up to looking at other things I could do to care for myself. Like eating right or exercising or taking down time. It was sort of a fascinating time for me as I learned more about my needs and how it made me a better caregiver when those needs were met. And yes I'm making this sound entirely too easy.

Since I'm not allowed off the couch all I do is take care of myself. Or ask other people to. If I need something upstairs someone has to get it for me. If I want a meal more complex than a bowl of cereal someone has to make it for me.  I'm barely allowed to refill my own ice water if someone else is around. "What do you need? I'll get it!" While I'm forever grateful to my helpers, its hard to always ask something of others. Guess my dream of living at Downton wouldn't be so fun after all.

Breakfast in bed anyone?

A hard slow lesson that I'm learning is that asking for help is an integral part of taking care of ourselves. It's not something that I'm used to doing or particularly like doing. It just so happens that this was one of the things I was working on with my mentor before all this happened.  She has to constantly remind me that communicating our needs and even our wants is a sign of mental health and wellness.  Apparently, somewhere along the path of motherhood I fell into the lie that I needed to be self sufficient and asking for help somehow meant that I was incapable or couldn't handle things on my own. Plus, I hated the thought of inconveniencing people.

Then I found out that maybe we're not supposed handle it all on our own and that sometimes people need to be "inconvenienced" with the problems of others. It reminds us that we're all finite and helps to get us outside of ourselves. Whether it be some kind of physical ailment or stress or emotional heaviness or even just a bad day, we weren't intended to shoulder the burden by ourselves. We thrive the most as individuals in connection and community and sharing life. That includes joyous times of celebration but also meeting everyday practical needs and then right down to holding someone's hand while they grieve.  So this practice of sharing life together isn't limited to birthday parties and baby showers but includes car pools and listening at the end of a hard day and funerals and depression and times where it feels like we need help to hold our heads above the water. 

But when we act like we don't need or want help when we really really do, we aren't doing anyone any favors. There are people who genuinely need to help for their own sake. It's a win win. Then in the future, we may get the blessing of returning the favor. Not because a return favor is expected but we all know we have certain people who we ask for help. It's usually people who we have a give and take relationship with, not someone who appears to have it all together and never ever needs help. That's no fun. Asking for help is just as much a spiritual act as giving is.

This is what I'm thinking about when I am lying around all day and being waited on. It's ironic how life throws us situations where we get to practice riding a wave that we usually prefer to observe from the shore. The sooner we learn to ride it out, the less chance of being caught in the undertow. Hope I still feel this way come week 6.

More to come,

Jenna

oh! and here are a few things from around the web that inspired me this week, happy reading!

"No You're Not a Real mom Because Your House is Messy"  By Lauren Hartman

"The Spiritual Discipline of Learning Nothing" over at Chatting at the Sky

This *free* ebook: "A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet"  by Sophie  Hudson has helped keep my mood light all week. She chronicles stories about her southern family with a witty style that will make you grin while you read. 

and last but not least...

How adorable is this nursery via Apartment Therapy? Someday soon I will be allowed to decorate again but this is how I will cope in the meantime