Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken -Oscar Wilde

Why is it that when you are expected to do something that is creative in nature the process naturally stalls (even if those expectations come from yourself)?  I was afraid of this. In fact, it was one of the excuses that always held me back from starting a blog. That I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say. Let me rephrase that: that I wouldn't give myself permission to say the things I'm thinking.

It kind of reminds me of design school.  Especially this certain class where the final project was to draw up rough blue prints and a furniture layout, complete with swatches of upholstery and samples of paint colors. Sounds fun right? I thought so at first. But then there were all the rules and the grading scale. Was this design well thought out? Was it cohesive enough? Original enough? Did it serve its function as a living space as well being aesthetically pleasing? Would the instructor agree with my selections? Because there were so many colors and patterns and textures to choose from. It was quite overwhelming. I remember not being totally satisfied with my end result. It was at this juncture that I begin to doubt I would really love this as a career as much as I thought I would. I’m sure I would have made a fine interior designer but I'd always know where I get to have the most fun is within the walls of my own home. No rules or anyone’s design sense matter but my own.

Okay, that was a long metaphor. All that just to say, freedom of expression is a beautiful thing.  I am re-learning how to exercise that creative freedom as I share what I write with others. There’s this little book I've been reading that has been helping me along tremendously. It came via recommendation by one my favorite authors so of course I am soaking in every word of it like it’s truth passed down from God. The name of it is “Writing to Find Yourself: Learning to be more authentic through the art of writing” by writing coach Allison Vesterfelt.  This is just a short 100 page ebook, but I am taking my time working through each of the challenges she gives at the end of the chapters.

The chapter I’m currently on is about learning to speak up. Allison talks about struggling to tell her husband that his dieting and daily weighing in are causing her to be self conscious about her own appearance even though she is at a healthy weight. She wasn't expecting her husband to quit dieting, she was actually quite proud of him, she just needed to be heard. She didn't want her honesty to take a toll on his progress. 

I can identify with her through this chapter a lot because I’m the type of person who tends to keep her opinion to herself or at least waits until I feel I have something of weight to offer to the conversation. Like most introverts, small talk is difficult for me and something that I have to practice just so I can be socially acceptable. I also really dislike confrontation or stepping on peoples toes. I always try hard to filter my words, and when I don’t, I obsess over how the receiving person perceived what I said. “Oh, I hope I didn’t offend so and so…” This can be a little annoying in my brain, I have to admit. Half the time I don’t know whether I’m sensitive or just egotistical! Usually I have to convince myself that I can’t take back what I said and chances are they didn’t give what I said a second thought. And more often than not, that is the case.  Other times, if I do say something  notable, I don’t even notice it unless they come back and say “hey, thanks for saying this or that, it really helped me/encouraged me/made me see things in a different light. (Okay, this doesn’t happen everyday but it has happened before!)  So really the obsession over when to say or when not to say something is usually in vain and is caused by over thinking about how people might react. 

Allison says it this way: "Something profound is happening to me as I’m learning to own my own story without asking others to own it for me.  I’m discovering I’m stronger and more unique than I ever imagined. I’m discovering there is room for me. I’m beginning to see how my thoughts and ideas and opinions aren’t nearly as important to the world as my voice is- the words and images and stories that make up who I am.”

I love that. Because it takes the pressure off to say just the right thing at the right moment. When I am focused on my voice, instead of the right thing to say, my most authentic self gets to come through. Being present is more important is more important than trying to maintain my like-ability. I keep picturing a necklace (my beautiful friend, who happens to have a very flowing creative spirit, made these). What is special about it is not just one bead in particular, but they way they compliment each other when they are strung together.

Think of your favorite author or storyteller or even your favorite character from TV or a book. Do you like that person for just one of their view points or one famous quote that they articulated? I would say, its a safe bet, that you like them because of their bottom line. Because of who they are as a whole being. Because of how their past and present, imperfections and triumphs, strengths and weaknesses all run together.  

 
So just to clarify, this is not about bashing everyone around you with your point of view on things. I still think wise people choose their words and don’t always have the loudest of voices. I value silence and listening immensely. It is more about just giving yourself permission to be just that: yourself. To be all of you, flawed and filled with beauty all at once. You are not the same as everyone else, regardless of whether you think you are or not, and it would be quite a boring world if you were or if you always had the perfect thing to say.

I think that perhaps this kind of openness can be a struggle for creative energy or even just expressing ourselves in general. Vulnerability is hard work. We have to own the fear.  It takes practice to take down the mask.  It also helps if we have a safe environment at first.

I have a complicated past that sounds a little like it could be story line for Parenthood or one of those shows we all love about dysfunctional families. Sometimes I’m ok with my story and other times I subconsciously tuck it away. I guess it just depends on who is around and how safe I feel. But I feel most at home and most like myself with the people who know my past baggage, or better yet lived through it with me. They knew me then, they know me now and they accept all of me. 

I am slowly discovering that the key to creating a safe environment for myself and others is to be brave and take off my mask first. Or at least simultaneously. And really both parties benefit from this. I mean think about it, who are the people you feel the safest around? The most like yourself around? It's most likely the people who don't hide their own junk, who let you in on their downs just as much as their ups. When you aren't afraid to own up to who you are, you invite others to do the same. They may or may not accept the invite, but at least you offered. And if they do accept, you have just taken the first steps toward building an authentic relationship with someone. 

I’m thinking of a particular relationship in my own life, where it just seemed like there was some sort of block or negative energy between us. I couldn’t pinpoint the reason and it really kind of bugged me. Then one day, she hinted at something flawed in her past, or maybe just something she was insecure about. She was getting tired of holding up the mask. I found myself validating her and relating to her by sharing a similar experience. All of the sudden, there was a slight shift between us. It's not always this easy and I'm sure there will be other obstacles to overcome.  We may not be “bff material,” but that invisible wall came down. And that made me happy.

Maybe you are reading this and feeling like you don't have any or enough of those safe relationships in your life. Friendships where you feel accepted and known. Accept this as an invitation to be yourself, share your flaws and take off your mask. It takes time and effort but is well worth the process. You may be surprised how people react when you stop asking permission to be yourself. And if you're lucky enough to have plenty of these friendships, be that safe place for someone else. Because we could all use that freedom.

Thanks for reading today, have a great weekend!