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Joey

The past several days have been anything but easy. We have huddled around each other with free flowing tears and long silent stares, we have reminisced and smiled bittersweet smiles. We have felt the pain of our loved ones deeply while trying to balance our own pain, a pain so visceral it quite literally and physically hurts. We have described our emotions as waves of grief: they come on quick and strong and it feels as if you may drown and never resurface; but as you fight to keep your head above the water it recedes slowly back out to sea leaving you shaken and numb, sitting dumbfounded on the shore, but also thankful because there is the calm between each wave. And even more thankful we have each other to keep us afloat.

                                              

The saying goes : its better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. I wont lie and pretend part of me thinks No, the risk of getting hurt, of feeling this pain can be prevented if I just shield myself, if I just love a little less, keep people at arms length. But no, she would not want that for any of us. When Joey loved she loved with her whole heart, she was all in. 

Our family has been through enough to know: you don’t leave things unsaid, you make the apology, you knock on the door, you patch that relationship. She really lived that out. You always say I love you and hold tight each and every time you part ways, you CREATE the time it takes to invest in your people. Life can be such a cruel teacher at times but Im forever grateful that we learned these lessons and practiced them together. 

I loved the way she lived out her calling, her priorities, she was a cycle breaker, an inspiration and point of loving contact and friendship to SO many. To me she was sister and friend: I love the way she loved my kids, she knew them, she got down on the floor and played with them, she loved them like they were hers. She had such a fun and playful side to her. But she was also a truth teller, an encourager; a servant hearted leader who would put you in your place if the need arose. I’ll never forget her distinctive laugh, her quirky nick names she liked to hand out, and just the way she could fill up the entire room with her energy.

She was proof that of all of the things we don’t understand about God, miracles can and do happen. You just cant deny that.  I am always so proud to tell her story and share it every chance I get. And I will continue to tell it to whoever will listen.  Because yes its a story about pain and struggle and heartbreak but also its an example of what you do with that pain, an example of finding strength in weakness. Instead of letting it break you down and letting it make you its victim, you find ways to use it as a stepping stone, as a building block, a spring board into new life. Use it tell your own resurrection story.

To me that is what Jolissa embodies, she will remain a symbol of hope and things yet to come. 

💜💜💜

Hi there, Grief here.

Dear Human,

This is your grief. 
I know I'm not always this forthcoming but I’m writing to say I’m here to stick around for a bit, maybe forever in some degree.
I’ll try not to inconvenience your daily life too much but I do need to be heard sometimes. 
Especially on holidays or anniversaries of certain dates. 
You may need to sit with me for awhile and cry. 
You may need to talk about me. 
You may need to just sit in silence or write or whisper questions out into thin air.
Anyway you would like to approach me is perfectly ok; 
Just please don’t ignore me or avoid me for too long, you can try to
numb me but I will still be there. 
I can’t help it, but I am persistent and I need to be acknowledged if
even just a little nod in my direction. 
If you don’t, I might start to get unruly like a little child, please don’t make me beg for your attention.
You have walked through something difficult, some event (likely more than one) that impacted your entire being and that is why I am here.
I am part of your experience as a human and I visit everyone at some
juncture in their life. You know, all the greats have befriended me! Even used me to heal and help others.
Please know that even though I hurt you at times we truly can be
friends if you give me the attention I need. 
I won’t always feel so sharp and overwhelming I promise.
We are going to get through this together.

Sincerely and Unapologetically,
Your Grief 

(This post was inspired by a writing prompt shared by writing coach Allison Fallon through her Monday Motivation emails, if you have ever wanted to write but don't know where to start or would like inspiration on how to use writing to heal I highly suggest subscribing!)

The Gift You Never Wanted

My body is bone tired, but it's a good, cleansing sort of exhaustion. I spent last weekend camping on a lush green, secluded swath of land with 1800 other women, playing, singing, soul searching, and shedding all normal. You see, my normal will not let me be so free of distraction, so uninhibited to put down my cynical guard or my bitter burdens. In this place, surrounded by so many strangers that felt like sisters, things were different.

I listened to a woman speak and tell her story, a story so different than mine, but in many ways the same. She spoke of how she was sexually abused by a neighbor as a child. Right before coming to camp she stopped to get breakfast and in front of her in line was the neighbor's adult grandson. There he was, a glaring attack on her peace as she was on her way to share her story with hundreds of women. I imagine she had a moment of pause, her heart suddenly flooded with old yet vivid emotions. Anyone familiar with trauma knows, this is how it works, certain places, people, words, even smells can trigger the feeling of your heart stopping, tripping over the next beat. These tripwires can send you spiraling into a bad place if they aren't kept in check. Something within her happened though, to where she was able to reorient her perspective, she was able to hold her ground and think, "I choose to see this as a gift." Instead of letting this be a reminder of her painful past and let it upset her purpose, she shifted her perspective  and noticed instead how far she had come in her healing journey. She slowed her breathing and thought, “I can stand in line with this man, I am healed and whole.” Instead of only seeing him as a reminder of her own trauma, she began to see him as human and wondered with sympathy if he was affected by his grandfathers actions or his reputation. This encounter would have once stopped her dead in her tracks sending her into full crisi mode, but she she ordered her breakfast, whispered a prayer for this man and left quietly. Wow.

I  have thought often about  these events that split our lives into two halves, right down the middle so that there is a 'before' and an 'after,' these are the gifts that no one wants. They are the things that we worry and fear, the 'what if's' that keep us up at night.  In the midst of them we are angered and confused and hurting and thinking "there is NO good that can possibly come from this and even if there is? well. I don't want it. I just want my life as I knew it before this happened."

I am pretty open about the fact that I am on anti depressants that make it near impossible for me to cry. The tears sometimes rise up but they just don't spill over, that feeling of sadness just sits at the top of my throat, locked in a tight jawed surrender. This past weekend I was finally able to sit and cry, free flowing streams of hurt and doubt. I let myself give into things I usually try to keep at bay, I let myself grieve for our hardships in our last several years, how disease has ravaged my body, my hands, carved my scars. I let go of the guilt that says, "Just be grateful you're alive!" but I also released the bitterness that says "why me? I don't want to be used in this way God, it has cost me too much!"

It has been a long road of picking up my gift and turning it over in my hands; many hours of reexamination, many tears shed on the pages of my journals, many anguished prayers prayed, many hard conversations with people who love me and undoubtedly there's more to come. My healing and how I use it in my world is a daily decision I must make. I also know that when I make the wrong decision, and I live in defeat or bitterness that I must forgive myself because my God is greater than my self loathing and he has already forgiven me. So I pick up where I left off and I stay the course.  I keep choosing the perspective that gives me life. I compare trauma to that person in your life who you have grown to love, despite their unbecoming qualities, despite all the flaws that infuriate you; you choose to see their loveliness, and know that when you add up all their attributes, good, bad and ugly, they equal one amazing, valuable entity.  And that, friends, is the miracle of LOVE.

To say its not an overnight process would be an understatement. I often talk about how the bitterness I felt in my soul came much later, at first I was just happy to be alive. Now, two years later as I'm still dealing with the aftermath I see not only the miracle of being alive, but the miracle of being able to overcome and thrive. I'm able to see and appreciate more clearly the gifts that I never wanted. I think about my brothers and sisters who are a part of the misfit band of the walking wounded whether they want to be or not. I marvel at their hopeful outlooks and how they have been transformed by tragedy. I see how we're given the ability to empathize on a different level, to know that we all have scars and brokenness and never to judge or gawk at the ones who have to wear them like a badge everyday. To value each person regardless of their appearance as a miracle To get to be that diversity, that person that makes others stop and question their view of the world. To learn to accept the limits and finite status of humanity but still not let it squelch the hope or creativity or resourcefulness that lives in us. The clarity to know what really matters...these gifts have all been so costly, and perhaps you don't have go through trauma to receive them, but I did.

After this past weekend, I am more than ever committed to healing, for myself and for others. I am determined to share these gifts that I so begrudgingly received in hopes that it might make someone else's load a little lighter. What have you been through that you can turn around and offer hope to others with? Is there some part of your story you still need to work through in order to be able to do this? I hope this encourages you to dig a little deeper into those areas and share your gifts with those in your circle of influence.


Thanks for being here today!

Jenna

Related :

find out more about Woman Camp

read my story here: Day 73 and Counting and here The Stories We Don't Tell

What I've Read 2017

I have a fun little tradition of tracking everything I've read in a year. I'm one of those multitasking readers who like to read 2-3 books at once, usually a fiction and non fiction. Sometimes its hit or miss, but since last year I joined a book club I was even more disciplined to record the books that piled up by my nightstand. Readers are always looking for the next thing to read so I thought I would share! Click the title of the book for even more info, thanks Amazon (what would we do without you!?) Happy Reading!

Fiction

Dark Matter By Blake Crouch

This psychological, sci/fi thriller, was not what I expected. Don't let the genre scare you off if it's not your usual forte, this story will suck you in. I actually look for books that will stretch me as a reader as I tend to get stuck in a reading rut and this one fit the bill. Its main character Jason Desser wakes up in a life that's not his own, but is strangely familiar, in fact it's a life he once dreamed of. This new life is his “what if’s” materialized, what his life would've looked like had he made one choice over the other, prioritized career over family. Not that he was unhappy in his other life, he loves his wife and son dearly, but he had not become the celebrated physics academic he had set out to be. Although he thought this was his dream the thrill of it wears off and soon he is frantically trying to reconnect with his wife. He discovers that he is has somehow in an alternate dimension of time and that there is an enemy with a malicious plan he must outwit. This mind bending, fast paced, love story about choices and regrets, family and dreams will keep you guessing until the very last pages. And you will learn some pretty cool things about physics along the way.

Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate

I had no idea what this book was about when I started reading. It was passed along to me by my mom so I stepped out on faith not knowing much about it. It was a little slow to take off as the plot is being set up, but pretty soon I found my self lost in the world of Rill Foss and her siblings. They are abducted into what is supposed to be a children's home ran by Georgia Tann, one of the most infamous child traffickers of the 1950s. The story alternates back and forth between Rill’s time period and present day, then is all tied together in redemptive fashion. Parts were hard to read, especially the conditions in which the children were kept and how they were mistreated, but the author does a wonderful job of keeping her descriptions clean yet vivid enough to capture the depravity of the situation.

This is How it Always Is by Laurie Frankel

I kept seeing rave reviews for this book online and although it's timely subject matter didn't have a personal appeal to me I decided to give it a go anyhow and I'm so glad I did. I was instantly charmed by the quirky family in this book who are struggling to raise their young children. The youngest of five brothers is of particular concern because at an early age he shows a propensity toward feminine ways. When asked what he wants to be when he grows up his answer is “A girl.” He wants to dress up in skirts and wear clips in his hair. He is confused by his gender and more so are his family and friends. The story outlines the parent’s behind the scene worries and decisions that they can only hope will be for the best. They want to so badly to demonstrate acceptance to their child but are terrified that the world around them will not. This book delightfully surprised me and will ring so pertinent in the ears of every parent who has ever wondered if they were making the right decision about their child. (So yeah, basically every parent.) And more than that, I feel as though it educated me and opened my heart more towards the gender issues that many grapple with.

White Oleander by Janet Fitch

I am extremely late to the party on this one. Written in ’99, it's practically vintage. It was chosen for Oprah’s book club, a story she admired so much she wanted to narrate the Audio edition. I feel so lucky having found it in adulthood, I never would've appreciated it as a teenager. It’s poetic lines, relatable truths and falsehoods had me dog earring several pages. This book haunted me for weeks after I finished it. After reading through several reviews for this well known novel, it was evident that this story is effectual either for better or worse. Critics of the book call the language melodramatic or flowery but to me the rawness of the story needed this treatment. Then again, I realize I am drawn to some what gritty stories.

It follows the story of Astrid, daughter of a tortured artist type mother whose been imprisoned, and her growing up in several different foster homes. Each home features such rich characters and settings that they almost feel like mini essays within themselves. Astrid learns in sometimes disturbing and difficult ways about what love is and isn't. She experiences the ins and outs of growing up, sex, drugs, religion and independence on her own all while trying to quell the fear of being apart from her mother. She longs so much for family and belonging that just always seem to be out of grasp. It is heart wrenching and hopeful and just all around memorable. This is one book I would read again, which is something I am not quick to do, however I would NOT recommend the movie. Despite the wonderful actresses (Michelle Pfeiffer and Renee Zellwegger) the story line just isn't the same, so for me this flick just can't hold a candle to the book. Isn't that usually the case though?

(P.S. there are some explicit and provocative scenes in this book, just FYI for sensitive readers)

This Must Be the Place by Maggie O'Farrell

This is the very last book I read in 2017 so it's still fresh in my mind. Daniel Sullivan and his supporting cast of characters (and there's many to keep track of) tell the story of a father and his blended family. His life is suddenly turned on its head when he catches wind of something that happened in his past unbeknownst to him at the time. He sets out on a quest to find the truth without telling his wife exactly what he is doing which, as one can imagine, causes quite a few problems. O’Farrell creates multifaceted characters, vivid settings and has a vocabulary that had me using the dictionary feature on my kindle often (any one else love learning new words!?🤓) One side note, this is not a book you can check out on, as it's told from various perspectives and jumps around in time quite a bit. There were times I had to re read or ask “wait, who is that?” but the story as a whole was well worth the bit of confusion. I read this late into the night several nights, so sleepiness may have also the been the culprit. Either way, the diverse characters in this book are well thought out and portrayed imaginably. The author definitely plays to her strengths.

Non fiction

Finding God in the Waves by Mike McHargue

I found this author through his podcast “the Liturgist” where he is known as “Science Mike.” I wish this guy could've been my science teacher because I just geek out listening to him explain  how science and faith are intertwined. Even more so, I enjoy listening to his story and his journey through the deconstruction of his own faith. Deconstruction is just a fancy word for taking down and rebuilding the belief system we were raised with; we may keep some of it and let other parts of it go as we learn and grow as individuals. Of course, this looks different for everyone, and for this author, it took him through atheism and back. As a deacon and Sunday school teacher in his church, he lived a double life for some time before confessing his doubts about Christianity. This memoir follows his struggle to believe, the people he met along the way, plus fascinating scientific perspectives mixed in. This book will be a companion for the skeptics and jaded believers or really anyone going through a rough patch in their spirituality.

When We Were on Fire by Addie Zierman

If you had anything to do with the 90’s WWJD religious sub culture you will identify with this story. If you have baggage with church people you will be able to relate. If you have ever stepped out on faith and feel like you got screwed, read this asap. Not to say you will like or dislike the author’s treatment of these experiences, but it's good to not feel alone one way or another. This memoir chronicles the ins and outs of Addie Zierman’s try hard, religious fervor as a teen and what happens when the bottom falls out of your faith in adulthood. Personally speaking, Addie’s story helped put some language to my own experiences growing up in a similar background. It's not that these experiences are anything uncommon or tragic, but that her words capture how it feels to be consumed by your passion for God. It tells how in our youth we are so zealous and ready to save the world before we even know much about it. I used to be deathly afraid of losing my excitement for God, but I've learned now that, like any relationship, there is life after the honeymoon phase. There is a deeper and steadier, albeit less excitable, connection. I'm looking forward to diving back into this book with my book club soon, so I won't expound much more about this one just yet.

Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

I've been a follower of Brene Brown for awhile now. She never fails to strike a cord with me. In this book she leads us through braving the wilderness that is our own truest selves, both accepting what we find there and bearing it to others, no matter the cost. It circles the fact that you can only feel like you belong when you feel at home with yourself. As someone who typically likes to go with the flow, this was such a good reminder for me to speak and let my voice be heard even when I worry about how others might perceive me. It let me know that it's ok to not be everyone's favorite as long as I am being honest with my inner workings. Reading this will inspire compassion for yourself as you go about the daily work of giving compassion to others.  I also read “Gifts of Imperfection” this year and struggled which one to put in this list, as both are helpful when you're needing to do a little emotional work.

The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile

I have been a fan of the Enneagram as a self awareness tool for a couple years now and this is the book I always point people to if they want to learn more about it. The book walks you through the nine personality types and helps identify which one a reader relates to. I am number 9 with a 1 wing, which tells me that I intuitively blend well with many other personality types. The downside to this is that 9’s can often lose themselves in other people's identities.  I am also peacemaker which can be helpful when it's kept in check, but can become a downfall when it comes to setting healthy boundaries or working through confrontations. Understanding this about myself has helped me gain insight into my relationships with pretty much everyone in my life. Not to mention how insightful it can be to have family members find their  own type. This is a must read if you're into personality typing and self awareness. Also good to know: the authors have a podcast by the same name where they interview different numbers and dive deeper into the Enneagram.

Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross

I can say for sure this is the only parenting book I have willingly finished. Undoubtedly, the idea of minimalism has swept the airwaves of the media. While I’m not ready to move into a 500 square foot tiny home or pare my wardrobe down to 5 items, applying the concept of simplicity to parenting is refreshing. The book touches on four realms to focus on simplifying: Our home environment (you can stop being a toy manager!), daily rhythms, schedules outside the home, and screen time. Every parent I talk to can use help in these areas. Most of all, what I liked best about this book is that after turning the last page I felt empowered to make changes in all these areas. I didn't feel guilty or like these goals were not attainable. I got insane joy from ruthlessly purging toys and books. I started a toy “library” with what I kept so that we could rotate toys that were kept up and ones that were kept out. I also took charge of the Christmas lists and asked for carefully selected, quality items our homeschool would benefit from. Now of course, there were still toys and of course things gets messy and strewn about, but it just feels easier when there's not multiple baskets of playthings everywhere. We also cut down majorly on screen time and I vowed I would get us into nature more even in the frigid winter. Right now as we're ringing in the New Year, I'm looking forward to having a bit more of a routine established and will go back and reread the section about creating predictable rhythms that children find security and comfort in. This is one of the most helpful and practical books on crafting a family culture that is peaceful and less complicated. Raising kids is anything but simple so I am going to put energy into the few things I do have control over. The author, Kim John Payne, M.ED,  is highly credible as he has been a school counselor, educator, consultant, researcher, and a private family counselor for twenty seven years. 

Hope you find something good for your mind and soul on this list! I'd love to know what you are reading or your favorite book from last year. Thanks for being here fellow reader!

Jenna

'Tis the Season

Do you ever just feel a general sense of overwhelm?

Maybe you can't even pinpoint the reason why but you just feel scattered? Like you have had too much coffee on an empty stomach?(guilty, silently slips up hand while taking another sip)

I was having one of these moments a couple weeks back and have them more often than I care too. As a home educator and mom to three I obviously have things that need to get done. Big things, small things, urgent things, things waiting on the back burner,  things that only I can do. But then along come these days where it feels like the existence of other people and external stimuli are closing in on me. The noises of daily life, the innocent questions, the text alert, the kids fighting, the growing to do list and calendar staring at me; all normal and functioning properly in and of themselves, but when they all crowd into my brain at this exact moment I just feel... frozen. Like I might crack if one more weight gets laid on my thin, icy exterior.  

Recognizing this state is, believe it or not, is progress. Before I would jump into action, tackle all of those things that need done (but are never really "done") thinking that afterwards I will rest. Only I would never get to the end of the list and I would fall into bed after midnight feeling like I accomplished some things but not all the things. Nowadays, I try to acknowledge this state of overwhelm as a warning light. My brain is trying to tell me I am running on fumes, only it's not as simple as going to the gas station for a fill up. 

This is not a time to solve all the problems or organize the junk drawer or dive headlong into my to do's with another cup of coffee in hand. These are all attempts at control, leaving me with a false and fleeting satisfaction but ultimately distractions from the bigger issue. This is not a time to produce.

This is not a time for fake resting something also known as numbing out. Scrolling or bingeing mindlessly,. This usually involves a glowing screen and staying up far too late. Occasionally accompanied by sugar/caffeine/empty carbs/chocolate. For others maybe it's alcohol or naps or shopping. Anything done in excess to avoid ourselves. While those things are lovely and have their own time and place, when I'm feeling bottomed out is not one of those times. No, this is not a time to consume. 

Instead of producing or consuming I attempt to treat my thoughts and feelings like a little child, like someone who I know needs care. With little children, we often address their physical needs first since they are not always aware of their own bodies' cues and how it affects them psychologically. We might feed them a nutritious snack, get them a drink of water, lay them to rest with a good book and some cuddles. Maybe they need fresh air and sunshine and to play off their nervous energy. We might clear their schedule, fill the tub with bubbles and get them into bed early. We wouldn't give them an energy drink and push them to do more. 

I can do these things for myself when I am feeling a melt down coming on. I pause and ask what basic needs I haven't met for myself and in taking care of those it clears my brain enough to cope. As adults we often think we can do without the basics: good food (i.e. contains nutrients), water, bathing, exposure to the sun, human contact. We don't grow out of these needs. As simple as it sounds, we all need reminded. One look around the internet tells us everyone struggles with the upkeep of self care. There are apps that remind us to drink enough water, countless websites devoted to eating right and staying fit, and self help gurus galore telling us to get off Facebook and read a book (preferably theirs) or have a real conversation with an actual person. We all know this, yet its not our default. We humans tend to take the path of least resistance even though its rarely helpful.

So I'll ask myself in one of my frantic moments, like I'm talking to one of my children:

What do I need? How can I care for myself in this moment?

And often (like my children) I will have no clue what I need. That is, until I sat down in a not so frantic moment and made two lists. These lists were inspired by Brene Brown's words in The Gifts of Imperfection:

"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that even more important to living a whole hearted life:loving ourselves."

So these lists encompassed things I know about myself and how to love myself (keep in mind these will different for everyone). the first list is comprised of things I try to avoid in general but especially when I am bogged down:

-pushing when I'm too tired

-hiding from people

-scrolling with no agenda

-scrolling with a perceived agenda such as planning, dreaming, or escape

-procrastinating

-being late

-being unprepared or trying to be  over prepared

-making unrealistic, unnecessary to do lists

-over scheduling

-not letting myself be good enough or knowing when to quit

-reading/watching tv until I can't keep my eyes open

-wearing clothes that are too tight, short/long, uncomfortable just because I paid money for them

-too much caffeine or sugar or empty food

The second list are things that give life and are things I *try* to incorporate into my life on a regular basis. However, its good to know what these are and have them in black and white in when I am feeling frazzled and not sure what I need. Usually, while  perusing this list something will jump out at me and I'll know to go do that thing. 

-yoga or other gentle physical activities
-time outdoors or at the very least sitting by a sunny window
-dates with John
-good talks with friends
-laughter
-pondering what I am grateful for
-taking time to do art
- simplifying my to do's; picking 1-3 things that must get done and letting the rest roll over
- silence
- having a flexible plan
- asking for help
-time to wind down before bed, coffee/tea, quiet, reading, face washing/moisturizing, essential oils
- reading that I can linger on and not just consume (poetry, self care books, scripture)
-writing not to produce anything but just for the sheer joy of writing 
-cooking nourishing food and having a slow meal with family or friends
-acknowledging and confronting negative feelings
-realizing I can get through the next moment, just the one at hand, and not worrying about all the moments to come

Some of these things are easier said than done and I am careful not to beat myself up if I make a less than healthy choice. I do know that neglecting these things usually leaves me feeling off. Just like a child, I often falter between what I need and what I want.

During this season, I usually fall into a funk with the Midwest and her shorter gray days but often more crammed into them especially during our holiday months. Posting these lists is a way to stay accountable to love myself as we move into a new year. I hope it's inspired you to make your own lists to revisit when you're feeling overwhelmed or to at least find a few little ways to show yourself some love! Thanks for visiting! Jenna

Don't Hold Back

The last few posts I wrote months ago really took it out of me. I wish I could say I have been working on some cool new thing but no, I was taking a breather. I needed some type of transition, and though its hard to come by, silence. This summer has been filled with good books galore and a sabbatical from writing my own words.  I needed time to store up creativity in the quiet mornings while the kids sleep off their summer wanderings. No conjuring of experiences to write about (the best ones come on their own anyways) or narrating in my head (please tell me I'm not alone here, fellow writers). I needed time to just be...

To let all the days flow through me like sand sprinkling through an hourglass. Not trying to record or post on a feed or timeline, just letting each moment slip away like it was intended to.

To practice gratefulness for right now. Whether right now is seemingly important or not. 

To lean into fears and doubts, opening the box they've been kept in so I can see what they have to say. They teach us alot when we actually listen.

To let my actual body just exist on it's own with out owing anything to appearance. To just wear and enjoy those unforgiving summer clothes and bathing suits that I'm comfortable in. No worrying about tans, or scars, or rolls or any of it. (I did try self tanner, it was short lived.) 

Saying yes to fresh air and bike rides, swimming and roller coasters. Things I would usually just try to supervise or coordinate for the kids while I do grown up things.  

One of my favorite things has been to put little Joel in my lap, hug him tight with one arm, and swing as high as we can on the squeaky playground swings. His reckless excitement over such a small thing hits me somewhere deep. It lets me know that although there is solemn pain and injustice in the very air we breathe, there is also joy and healing that abides. 

I found a video on an old iphone from Jayda's birthday. Without even watching it, I remember the exact day. It was an unusually warm December day and we had taken a long walk and ended up at the swings on the riverbank. I was just on the tail end of that first year stage after you birth a child where you don't quite feel like yourself. Nothing you own fits the way it should, your body is out of whack and you just have to sit in your mess and uncomfortable-ness until it passes or at least you find your new normal. I remember that I had ventured out spontaneously and that was a good sign that I was regaining balance. 

I hesitantly push play to relive this memory and watch us swing back and forth, little Joel experiencing the feeling of swinging, the climb up, the falling again and again, for the first time 

The wind blowing through unkempt hair, the much needed laughs;
Swaying like a pendulum, slow motion in the winter sun. 

It was one of those sweet moments where you feel grounded and present, connected to the people you are with. I cherish that memory although it is tinged with the sadness of knowing that in a couple short months our world would be rocked. It's hard to watch without wishing that somehow how I could go back. The "what if's" start to form...but no, I wont let those thoughts rob the innocence that was in that memory.

Instead I have to let it remind me not to hold back. To not sit on the sidelines, to go for it when opportunities big or little present themselves.  To even be on the look out for those moments and take initiative to create space in my days that would allow for such a moment. It could be investing in a new friendship, an experience you wouldn't normally say yes to, a risk that you can't just can't fathom taking. 

Granted we can't say 'yes' to everything and everyone. 'No' can just be just as healing and rewarding as its counterpart. This is where wisdom and self awareness come into play. Find out what gives you life and do those things, prioritize them, even if those things scare you a little bit. Make it a practice to be holistically ready to take the risk of living with your whole heart, facing fears and awkwardness and pain. Own them.

What is this for you?

Take a few minutes to think of a time you felt refreshed, or grounded, or just...alive. What were you doing? 

Let's do more of that. Don't hold back.

Happy Sunday, 

Jenna