Maybe you can't even pinpoint the reason why but you just feel scattered? Like you have had too much coffee on an empty stomach?(guilty, silently slips up hand while taking another sip)
I was having one of these moments a couple weeks back and have them more often than I care too. As a home educator and mom to three I obviously have things that need to get done. Big things, small things, urgent things, things waiting on the back burner, things that only I can do. But then along come these days where it feels like the existence of other people and external stimuli are closing in on me. The noises of daily life, the innocent questions, the text alert, the kids fighting, the growing to do list and calendar staring at me; all normal and functioning properly in and of themselves, but when they all crowd into my brain at this exact moment I just feel... frozen. Like I might crack if one more weight gets laid on my thin, icy exterior.
Recognizing this state is, believe it or not, is progress. Before I would jump into action, tackle all of those things that need done (but are never really "done") thinking that afterwards I will rest. Only I would never get to the end of the list and I would fall into bed after midnight feeling like I accomplished some things but not all the things. Nowadays, I try to acknowledge this state of overwhelm as a warning light. My brain is trying to tell me I am running on fumes, only it's not as simple as going to the gas station for a fill up.
This is not a time to solve all the problems or organize the junk drawer or dive headlong into my to do's with another cup of coffee in hand. These are all attempts at control, leaving me with a false and fleeting satisfaction but ultimately distractions from the bigger issue. This is not a time to produce.
This is not a time for fake resting something also known as numbing out. Scrolling or bingeing mindlessly,. This usually involves a glowing screen and staying up far too late. Occasionally accompanied by sugar/caffeine/empty carbs/chocolate. For others maybe it's alcohol or naps or shopping. Anything done in excess to avoid ourselves. While those things are lovely and have their own time and place, when I'm feeling bottomed out is not one of those times. No, this is not a time to consume.
Instead of producing or consuming I attempt to treat my thoughts and feelings like a little child, like someone who I know needs care. With little children, we often address their physical needs first since they are not always aware of their own bodies' cues and how it affects them psychologically. We might feed them a nutritious snack, get them a drink of water, lay them to rest with a good book and some cuddles. Maybe they need fresh air and sunshine and to play off their nervous energy. We might clear their schedule, fill the tub with bubbles and get them into bed early. We wouldn't give them an energy drink and push them to do more.
I can do these things for myself when I am feeling a melt down coming on. I pause and ask what basic needs I haven't met for myself and in taking care of those it clears my brain enough to cope. As adults we often think we can do without the basics: good food (i.e. contains nutrients), water, bathing, exposure to the sun, human contact. We don't grow out of these needs. As simple as it sounds, we all need reminded. One look around the internet tells us everyone struggles with the upkeep of self care. There are apps that remind us to drink enough water, countless websites devoted to eating right and staying fit, and self help gurus galore telling us to get off Facebook and read a book (preferably theirs) or have a real conversation with an actual person. We all know this, yet its not our default. We humans tend to take the path of least resistance even though its rarely helpful.
So I'll ask myself in one of my frantic moments, like I'm talking to one of my children:
And often (like my children) I will have no clue what I need. That is, until I sat down in a not so frantic moment and made two lists. These lists were inspired by Brene Brown's words in The Gifts of Imperfection:
"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that even more important to living a whole hearted life:loving ourselves."
So these lists encompassed things I know about myself and how to love myself (keep in mind these will different for everyone). the first list is comprised of things I try to avoid in general but especially when I am bogged down:
-pushing when I'm too tired
-hiding from people
-scrolling with no agenda
-scrolling with a perceived agenda such as planning, dreaming, or escape
-procrastinating
-being late
-being unprepared or trying to be over prepared
-making unrealistic, unnecessary to do lists
-over scheduling
-not letting myself be good enough or knowing when to quit
-reading/watching tv until I can't keep my eyes open
-wearing clothes that are too tight, short/long, uncomfortable just because I paid money for them
-too much caffeine or sugar or empty food
The second list are things that give life and are things I *try* to incorporate into my life on a regular basis. However, its good to know what these are and have them in black and white in when I am feeling frazzled and not sure what I need. Usually, while perusing this list something will jump out at me and I'll know to go do that thing.
-yoga or other gentle physical activities
-time outdoors or at the very least sitting by a sunny window
-dates with John
-good talks with friends
-laughter
-pondering what I am grateful for
-taking time to do art
- simplifying my to do's; picking 1-3 things that must get done and letting the rest roll over
- silence
- having a flexible plan
- asking for help
-time to wind down before bed, coffee/tea, quiet, reading, face washing/moisturizing, essential oils
- reading that I can linger on and not just consume (poetry, self care books, scripture)
-writing not to produce anything but just for the sheer joy of writing
-cooking nourishing food and having a slow meal with family or friends
-acknowledging and confronting negative feelings
-realizing I can get through the next moment, just the one at hand, and not worrying about all the moments to come
Some of these things are easier said than done and I am careful not to beat myself up if I make a less than healthy choice. I do know that neglecting these things usually leaves me feeling off. Just like a child, I often falter between what I need and what I want.
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