Some Thoughts on Positive Parenting

I have always considered myself a relatively well-researched parent. I’ve read books across the spectrum here and there and follow blogs that seem to dispense some sound advice. I put things I learn into practice when they seem logical and applicable. I’m not perfect and I always (mostly) try to offer my kids the same grace I offer myself when I mess up. I am probably the more lenient parent in our household which for some reason I always hate admitting out loud.

Do people typically associate lenient parents with spoiled kids? I think I might and that’s why I don’t like admitting to being that way. But really what is leniency? Google defines it as “the fact or quality of being more merciful or tolerant than expected” How does that definition settle with you when applied to parenting or discipline?

I’ve recently stumbled on book after book about parenting that is not so condemning of leniency. This is something that has fascinated me so much lately that I have read every book about it I can get my hands on. (Maybe its the thought of going through toddler hood for a third time?) The message in these pages reasonated deep with me and confirmed that my "leniency" in parenting would not produce spoiled kids. (which really I'm learning is more accurately described as understanding and empathetic, on a good day :). It is something I’ve always been desperate to put into practice as long as I can remember but couldn’t depart from the mainstream ideas long enough to try consistently. 

My oldest baby on her new ride

The Newbies Guide to Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes explains the concept of what I've been learning like this:

[It] isn’t a method, a set of rules, or a style. Positive parenting is a philosophy, a way of relating to children and to ourselves.  Positive parenting – sometimes referred to as positive discipline, gentle guidance, or love based parenting - is guidance offered in a positive way, keeping in mind the dignity of the parent and child and preserving the parent child relationship.”

She goes on to say that positive parenting is about believing in our children’s innocence, and that their behavior (especially negative behavior) is actually a complex code for what they wished they could communicate to you the adult. It is about being “firm and kind, consistent and empathetic, and viewing disagreements between parents and children as opportunities to develop problem-solving skills and learn how to navigate relationships.”

I don’t know any parent that would shun more positivity in their home. When I read this description I think of how I have always tried to be this way while but still holding on to “winning” the battle, engaging in power struggles or punitive treatment.  In other words, I didn’t really know how to achieve this parental philosophy with the tools I had thus far placed in my parenting arsenal. Most of the time I would feel the culture’s whispering in my ear that I was a push over. So I would throw in some time outs and lectures and take things away and escalate the punishment to no avail. Most of the time this would leave me feeling disconnected from my child even if I did eventually gain their cooperation. I often wondered whether there was a better way or did raising kids just have to feel so intense and distressing on a daily basis?

Very simply, Eanes says that the two most valuable tools a parent can have are:

1) The example we set

2 ) The connection we have with our children

Well yeah.

This seems like total common sense but we’ve been conditioned to use methods that are more control based only to be surprised that there is no genuine or lasting change in the child’s behavior or thinking.  Sure they may learn to avoid punishment or confrontation by trying to please you and your requests but they learn quickly that if they nod along and feign just enough respect, “yes, mom” “yes, dad,” soon they can be on their way. This produces a child that is good at acting good but lacking in character (you know that thing that guides you when no one is watching?) Everyone wants their child to have character, sure, but how do produce that from the ground up? Is it something that can be forced or manipulated into being?

Character is made up of daily choices that a child learns to make by watching those around them and by feeling safe enough to mess up and connected enough to learn from their mistakes. We know the word discipline means to teach but yet our discipline is often no questions asked, my way or the highway that doesn’t offer any opportunities to learn. It may teach them to conform at best, a respect originating in fear instead of love. We want to control our child, often forgetting that they are their own separate person with a different personality and priorities. In my own parenting journey, I usually reach for these controlling tactics because of desperation. What I really want is peace. A peaceful home that exudes the grace and love of God. I want kids that can go out into the world and know how to give that love because it was the norm at home.  

It is way too easy to associate how well a child can listen and obey to how effective our parenting is. Especially in public, or among friends, or online; sometimes the temptation to compare is just too enticing. Through a lot of reading and praying and contemplating my own parenting style I have concluded that instant obedience is not always the best measuring stick for our effectiveness as parents. There’s something I want more than obedient little robots that ask “how high?” when I say “jump.” Something I want more than for them to understand that I am the boss and they are not.

I want their heart.

I want them to want to obey.

I want it to be their choice.

If you are a parent reading this thinking this sounds like a fantasy world, I understand where you are coming from. I was skeptical at first myself. It has taken me a lot of reading and processing and long days with my children to make the shift. Being this type of parent does not guarantee easy child rearing (it often takes more effort, self control and patience). Being this type of parent really doesn't even guarantee "good" children. But what it does produce is a healthier parent child relationship and from that we have foundation of trust and security that our discipline is built on. It is connection first then correction. It would take more than one post to explain it the way I'd like so I've opted to point to some experts (see the bottom of the page) for any one that is interested in learning more about how to actually apply this type of parenting in day to day life.

I will say this journey started for me a few years ago and really it had nothing to do with parenting (or so I thought) at the time. I was discovering how to pay attention to my own needs and how that affected my interaction with my kids. I was learning to listen and be gentle with myself and therefore allowing more mindfulness and gratitude throughout my day. I was learning the practice of rest and redefining productivity. Then I gradually realized that my children already lived this way and I could learn a lot from slowing down and listening to them. I could prevent so many problems by just being present with them instead of rushing them along through life. Rushing them to grow up, expecting them to know how to do things that many adults haven't even mastered (patience, self control, communication, independence, on and on I could go).

Dr. Gordon Nuefeld author of ‘Hold on to Your Kids’ says: “Children must never work for our love; they must rest in it. We have gone to a practice of parenting and teaching that makes them work for the contact and closeness – that puts them in charge of the relationship. We make them work at keeping us close. We might get compliance, but we get a deeply restless child, and we are giving rise to a whole generation of children who are restless to the core. Our yearning as parents should be to give them rest.”

Sound familiar?

I love this by Sarah Bessey, found in her memoir on motherhood:

“I characterize [parenting] the same way I characterize the Christ centered life: it’s a life that you relax into this – this mothering, this following of Jesus – is a relationship that we relax into. We cease the striving. We stop the trying. We stop the trying to better, smarter, nicer, more holy and more loving. Instead when we surrender, we relax into the arms of Jesus, we find that freedom, of living lightly. In our weakness he is able to become stronger and lead.”  

To me this sums up a lot about my life right now, as a parent, as a follower of Jesus and as a human who just wants a peaceful life in connection with those around her.

Some great books on parenting:

The Gentle Parent: Positive Practical Effective Discipline
Whispers Through Time
Two Thousand Kisses a Day 
all written by L.R. Knost
(these have workbooks that go along with them for cheap on amazon kindle)

Spirit Led Parenting: from fear to freedom in baby's first year  
Megan Tietz & Laura Oyer

Positive Parenting in Action
Laura Ling & Rebecca Eanes

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
Dr. Laura Markham

Some favorite websites:

ahaparenting.com

lemonlimeadventures.com

teach-through-love.com

Bethebestparentyoucanbe.com is hosting an online event with endless resources from parenting experts and educators; highly recommended!

Resources mentioned in this post:

The Newbies Guide to Positive Parenting 
Rebecca Eanes

My Practices of Mothering
Sarah Bessey