I am 30 weeks along now and couldn't be happier that we are closer and closer to full term. I am more optimistic about making it all the way at this point. One of my doctors even said that she would take me off bed rest now with the agreement to take it easy. (She followed these instructions up with the fact that she does not even believe in bed rest and was basically saying the opposite of what the previous doctors have said. Hmmm... well I was prematurely excited about her advice and while I would've liked to have heard it upon my hospital discharge, I'm kind of glad I didn't. So my happiness was fleeting as I considered that she was on vacation while I was being admitted for preterm labor and I am hesitant to put too much stock in what she says.) I am moving around a little more since that appointment, hopefully not too much. I still feel great, no contractions or pain other than the normal discomfort one faces when carrying around a cantaloupe sized human in their uterus.
My biggest struggle right now is sleep. I'm getting to that uncomfortable bit at the end of pregnancy where you have two options for sleeping positions: 1) on your side with a pillow under your belly and between your knees (read: it feels like your stomach is ripping away from your body no matter how many pillows are involved) or 2) propped up on your back (read: pressure from the baby on my spine and other organs especially my bladder can only be tolerated for about 20 minutes). So between running to the bathroom and switching positions and the house coming alive at 6:30 a.m. I am pretty much an insomniac these days; sleeping only when the kids are at school and watching Gilmore Girls or reading into the wee hours of the morning. It's not that bad, I'm just whiney because its 9 am and I haven't really been to sleep yet. Maybe if I just keep this schedule Ill be more prepared for middle of the night feedings with Joel? Ha. Who am I kidding? No one and nothing can really prepare me for what lies ahead. Grace for the moment is my mantra.
Although that is the other activity I'm engaged in while not sleeping. Planning. Lists. Dreaming. Trying my darndest to get my ducks in a row before the world gets flipped on its head. Again. For a third time mom you would think I would be more confident. These little humans have stripped everything I think I know from me. As soon as I think I've got it down they are out of that phase and moved on to a new dilemma. Every season there is a new challenge.
This newborn deal is no different. On one hand there is no amount of preparation that can really help us when we are in the trenches with a new baby. We might have to run to the store at 3 am and research different sleep training or attachment methods and call the doctor for no good reason because we are just desperate. On the other hand, we have to prepare what we can in a reasonable manner so that we are not completely caught off guard when there are no diapers or pacifiers or clean onsies and in that moment when there's a newborn screeching at you it just feels like it's the end of the world.
I've began to think about preparing so much without actually getting to do it that it makes me stop and wonder if over preparing can do more harm than good. I mean, is it realistic that we can have a plan A, B, and C for every possible scenario or upset? I have had more time to research my labor, delivery and postpartum experience than I ever have before. Last night I was getting ready to drift off to sleep when I started reading about natural child birth methods vs. all the different types of epidurals or pain meds; the if, when and how to safely use drugs to manage your pain during labor. (Yeah, didn't get much sleep after that.) I've read about banking cord blood and encapsulating my placenta and looked up too many recipes for lactation cookies and smoothies. I've studied breastfeeding positions and sleep methods and pinned a bazillion freezer meals. The phenomenon of a nesting mother can be quite useful or she can allow it to drive her to restless nights in which she goes over and over her list of things to do, decisions to make.
One of the movies we watched in our binge last weekend was "I Don't Know How She Does It" with Sarah Jessica Parker. The movie follows a working mom's struggle to keep it all together and to keep a part of herself without fully abandoning her family or her marriage. At night she always lays in bed and makes out "the List" in her head if she hasn't first dropped over dead from exhaustion. In the end, after having to leave her family Thanksgiving for a last minute business trip and missing the opportunity to make a snowman with her daughter, she makes a new list consisting of only two items: "Get my life together" and "Stop making lists."
In my opinion "the List" will always exist, and on some levels it needs to, but obsessing about it is a form of worry that robs of us of a greater focus. I don't want to be so focused on checking things off that I miss the point. Yet I constantly find myself doing it. Maybe that is why these words have resurfaced in my life over and over again: "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
Or the short version: "Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Sometimes I plan to be smart and prepared. Other times I plan out of fear. Out of this anxious scramble for control and to self preserve. Sometimes the line between the two goes blurry. I often have to stop and examine my motives. I also have to remind myself that I cannot avoid pain or strife in life altogether. It is just not possible, and if it were humanity would be completely boring and most likely never mature past newborn mentality.
This post by Sarah Bessey totally caught me off guard this week. She talks about "leaning into pain" and experiencing the lessons it has to offer us. The metaphor of giving birth is quite fitting as she explains the Fear Tension Pain Cycle; how when we feel pain and we tense up or enter into anxiety it then increases the pain and in turn increases our anxiety. So it becomes a cycle of pain and fear feeding off of each other, building and building, until it is towering over us and we feel we can't escape. But we also have the option changing our perspective of the pain and its purpose and letting it empower us, not control us. (It's a beautiful metaphor really, but I will most likely still want the drugs when it comes right down to it. Birth hurts regardless and should be worn as a badge of honor no matter how it went down, amen?)
This whole process of co-creating, pregnancy and birth and the ripping away from our old idea of family to make room for one more isn't supposed to be painless. It is uncomfortable, terrifying and at times excruciating. It will test your physical, emotional and spiritual limits and then have the audacity to ask for one more push, one more sleepless night, one more story, mommy, please. I love how blogger Lisa Jo Baker always says that "being a parent is a lot like breaking up with yourself." Funny because its true.
I suppose its like this with all of life and love. There is always a risk involved, a good chance that we will experience pain or the rawness of sacrifice. And unless we open ourselves up to that we never get to fully experience all that we might learn or become. We can either hide from the pain with all our best laid plans or we can embrace it, knowing that it is well worth the outcome. I'm not advocating throwing all caution to the wind, but simply abandoning over guardedness for the sake of something breathtaking and real.
Life in all its glory...
ugly and beautiful,
joyous and painful,
all in the same breath.
Maybe now I can get some sleep before the kids get home.
Thanks for listening today,
Jenna
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