Small Things>Great Things

It's been so hard to write lately. Every time I start I scrap it before I reach a conclusion. Then I get to the point where I can't even start. I blame it on the paralyzing cold, or the loudness of my cooped up house or all the thoughts and plans of holidays and parties and things to come.

I just keep waiting and hoping for a brilliant or at least mediocre topic to muse on to pop into my head, along with a nice catchy title of course. Then there's this nagging little feeling that always tells me  that I need to be doing something. The notion to be productive outside of my daily tasks of raising little people, being a connected wife and friend and taking care of myself. That's about all I can squeeze in these days and for some reason I always feel the pull to do more, be more, give more. Like I should volunteer here or there, or go back to school or start a non profit organization so that I can pass out blankets and roast turkey to all the freezing homeless people with their fingerless gloves outstretched as I drive by day after day. 

Part of the problem is that I'm a feeler. I've always known this but only in recent times have I understood how this impacts my well being. My mom always referred to me as sensitive or tender hearted, this is a description I have learned to grow into. Of course, this has its good and bad trappings. When I experience the world around me, I personalize almost all of it. I have empathy on the downtrodden, I identify with the depressed, I imagine myself in the shoes of the minority. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Sometimes I let this tendency overwhelm me and then feel guilty for not doing more. As if I could solve the problems of the world in one day if I weren't too lazy to get up off the couch. This is a delusion, I realize. To say that the need, even that which I encounter on a daily basis, far exceeds my resources would be an understatement. 

I was talking about this with a friend who is in a similar life season. She said she gets this nagging "do more" guilt trip in her head all the time too. Sometimes it even sounds like this: "You are a believer, you should be a servant to everyone around you all the time." She used to try and satisfy this voice. Until one day she told it to shut up. (Wait. You can do that?) Yes, you can she reassured me and then she said was already a servant. That she, in her everyday life of loving and forgiving and trying again, was doing everything she needed to do. She didn't have to start a charity or move to another country or do anything other than to tell that little voice to zip it. 

There is a tension here though. Because I truly admire those people are who making "big" changes or sacrifices to make a difference in the culture around them. For some reason I always forget that these admirable things take time and almost always start small. I just look in awe at the end result and skip over the fact that maybe this started out as a prayer under someone's breath or dream in someone's heart. In my generation's obsession with instant gratification I can't say that I'm all that interested in the prep work, I just want to get right to the good stuff.  

But we know it doesn't work like that.

Feats of this sort are comparable to a good meal. First you have the recipe. I don't know about anyone else but my food always turns out better if I actually sit and read through the recipe a couple times before I even get to the kitchen. This is especially true if it's my first time making something. Do I have all the ingredients? Is my 13x9 pan clean? Do I know this technique or should I watch a you tube video on it first? Then comes the chopping and the measuring and the timing. Then sautéing or broiling or baking. It always amazes me that pulling together a few ingredients and techniques can produce endless combinations of enjoyable sustenance. The lovely science of cooking can be so satisfying.

But I've also had many kitchen failures and dishes that turned out to be rather inedible. Cue the take out pizza or the Chinese food. This can be frustrating. Next time hopefully we won't use baking soda instead of baking powder or add so much salt. We will follow the recipe more carefully and be more thorough. Or if it was bad enough we might decide to never ever make that dish again. (I did not make these pies or take these pictures. Thank you internet.)

We might have a big love in our hearts but often even in the small ways we fail to carry it out. We aren't the hero or the saint that we thought was driving our plan to save the world. We are human. We have wrong motives. Like creating an acceptable image for ourselves or trying to please others or the God that already loves us as we are. In reality, we can't even be nice to our spouse in the morning. We yell at our kids. We aren't dependable friends. We have limits and when we reach them it usually manifests into something ugly in our lives. It's a good thing the world doesn't depend on us to save it. Not that you need to be free of flaws to do anything worthwhile, otherwise no good would ever be accomplished in the world.

Maybe that's why small is ok. And maybe while we are raising our families or going to school or working our same boring job day in and day out, God is preparing us in ways we never thought. Aligning us with people who need to be in our path. Sharpening and balancing out our passions. This process can't be one that's rushed and we can't opt out. Like those simple recipes with a few fresh key ingredients, the ones we learn by heart. We make them time and again. With practice, we perfect them and even learn to embellish them. We can then use them as building blocks to create something substantial and enduring. 

But I don't ever want to seem like I'm waiting to get to that sweet spot in life. I know that spot will only be sweet because of this one and the one before and the one before. Because a lot of times the story doesn't come until you're in the middle of writing it.

Then the questions looms: what if I never do anything great? 

To that question I would have to ask another: what or who defines great to you? 

Once we have the answer to this, we don't need to fear an unproductive life. If I find this a reoccurring question in my heart or always feel the need to be doing something 'important' maybe my answer isn't what it should be. If my honest answer makes me feel small, it's time to change that. I think that's where my friend gathered the courage to tell that little voice to be quiet. 

As we head into the holidays this is especially important to remember. This time for celebration and rest and focusing on what's truly valuable is often overwhelmed by busyness, stress and over consumption and silent competition. Let's do ourselves a favor and not over do it. Let's give the gift of our presence and our joy in the moment. This can only come when we define greatness as small and everyday. When we gather around tables with family let's not judge greatness with a ruler that we wouldn't want anyone holding up to us. Let love find one another wherever we're at in life. There's no need to impress anyone because all they really want is acceptance. And really, demonstrating love and acceptance to people is the best impression you can make on another life.

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~Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours~

Jenna